Vulnerable love
by Nr.Six
Summary: Cal finally tells Gillian that he loves her. Set after and in season 3. Sadly enough he gets trapped in his own self fulfilling prophecy and pushes her away.
1. Chapter 1

After episode 9 from season 3, Rebound

Hi everyone, I've been away for a very long time. Still working on the last chapter of my Lie to me long story. But came up with this one when I watched Lie to me again on Netflix. It's centered in the third season mostly. And everything that happened there.

Lie to me is not mine sadly enough, otherwise there would have been a season 4!

This happens after episode 9 where Cal and Gillian help the rich woman to investigate her boyfriend who married a lot of woman for the money. Gillian traps him into a fake date with her. I love those scenes...

HERE WE GO:

Gillian stared at her computer as Cal came barging in.

'Oy.' He mumbled. 'Just wanne show you sometin'.'

Gillian straightened her back. It had been a long day and she was getting tired.

She watched as Cal put his laptop on her desk and put a finger up at her. 'Hold that thought.' He said as he practically ran out of her office and came back with a bottle of liquor.

She smiled. _This was going to be a good ending of the day after all._

'No pinot luv. I'm cheap, I am… As you know.' Cal said as he put his laptop in front of her and invaded her space as he logged in again. 'Just a few professional questions yeah?' Cal said as he looked up at her.

'Okay.' Gillian said surprised as she waited patiently for Cal to let her see whatever he wanted to show her.

'See this..' Cal began as he opened a video and enlarged it on his screen.

Gillian sighed inwardly and felt irritation boiling up in her stomach. 'Cal really?' She asked slightly annoyed as she shook her head.

'Yeah yeah, just a question.'

 _They'd already had a conversation about this earlier on the day when he'd been insulted about the whole Isabelle thing. She was tired of it now and the subject was closed if it was up to her._ Gillian looked at the screen of the video that was taken yesterday afternoon when she was on her fake date with the psychopath.

'Couldn't let the Isabelle thing go could you?' She quipped as she shook her head and decided to just give him a little bit of time because she was curious what he was up to now.

'Yeah…' Cal said as he looked up at her, both hands on her desk. 'That was kind of a low blow..' He quipped. 'But this….' He put the volume on.

" _Cal has sexual adhd..'_ She heard herself say on the video.

'You see that luv?' Cal asked as he pointed at her facial expression on the screen. He walked around her desk and plopped down on the chair in front of her.

She looked from the screen up at him. 'Your point being…?' She asked clueless.

'Really?' Cal asked as he bended forward in her chair. He pointed at the laptop. 'Nothing to add have you?'

'Cal, what's this about? I was playing a role.' Gillian asked tiredly as she began to clean her desk. _She wanted to go home._

'You enjoyed it.' He stated.

Gillian froze and looked up at him with a question in her eyes. Then she casually shrugged her shoulders. She thought about that for a moment. 'Yes… Partly… Ofcourse. I liked being able to play him while he thought he was playing me. It's interesting. He was an interesting subject.' _And quite attractive._ She looked at him. 'And that pinot was very…. I mean VERY lovely.' She said as she thought back of the taste on her tongue. 'It was like an angel-'

'-Yeah yeah.' Cal cut her off impatiently as he put up his hands. 'I get the picture.' He tried to read her. Stared at her blue eyes but couldn't quite get past that wall of hers. 'But half of it wasn't played. You kept half of it close to the truth.' He said as he eyed her every micro expression.

'Yes Cal.' Gillian said as she sighed. 'You know as well as I do that that helps to lie better.' She said as she poured herself the liquor and him. _If she was going to be here for ten more minutes, she could at least enjoy the drink._

'So sexual adhd it is then?' Cal said as he slumped back in her chair. 'Made Torres laugh off her ass. Not literally of course.'

'Is that the problem Cal? I said you had sexual Adhd?' She asked as she leaned back in her chair and took a swig of the whisky.

'Yeah well.. ' He said as he shrugged. 'You weren't lying there.' He bended towards her.

'You were never good at reading me Cal.' Gillian noted as she took another nip from the whisky and shook her head while she smiled tiredly.

'Not this one.'

Gillian sighed hard. Trying to let the tension of the day go. 'I'm tired Cal. What do you want?'

 _O there were a lot of things he wanted._ He eyed her up and down. But he kept that to himself for now. ' An explanation.' Cal said as he leaned back.

'Really Cal?' Gillian shook her head.

'Yeah. Do the shrinkage thing.'

She rolled her eyes and leaned over her desk towards him. She looked him deep in the eye. 'Are you really sure Cal? Because I don't think you're ready for this.'

Cal leaned towards her too. 'Ready as ever.' He said as he showed her his teeth and eyed her. 'Come on luv. Let me have it.' He said as he gestured towards her.

Gillian shook her head again and stood up to close her office door.

'That serious ey.' Cal joked as he watched her walk back and eyed her beautiful calve muscles.

'Do I need to lock that door Cal?' Gillian asked as she pointed at the now closed door.

'Why would ya?'

 _Because you run whenever you hear the truth, whenever you are confronted, whenever you hear something you don't want to hear…_ 'You don't want the truth. Do you?'

Cal gulped the whisky in a few swigs up and put the glass with a loud clang on her desk. 'Ready as ever.' He said as he stared at her again as if he was beginning a competition.

'Yes, I wasn't lying.' Gillian began as she leaned back in her chair and didn't break eye contact. 'I really think you have sexual adhd.'

'Because I look at other woman?' Cal asked incredulous. _That was a natural thing lot's of men did..._

'You do more then look Cal.' Gillian answered matter of factly as she took a gulp of her drink.

'And?'

'And what?'

'There's something else on your tongue.'

Gillian closed her eyes shortly and shook her head again. 'I think you know'.

'You're the one with the words, so use them.'

'It's none of my business.' Gillian stated.

'Nope, it isn't. Still I'm asking you.'

'Why Cal?'

'Is it making you uncomfortable? Talking about my sex life?' He enjoyed pushing her. _And turning the tables so she would be the one revealing things about herself and not him._

Gillian let out a frustrated laugh. 'I can talk about anything Cal. I'm more worried about you.'

'And still….' He said as he leaned forward and pointed at her face. 'I see fear.'

'Of course Cal.' Gillian said with force behind her tone as she put her drink down angrily. 'Because if I say something that you don't like. How will you react? You just love to lash out don't you?' She said as she stood up and stared angrily at him.

Cal eyed her surprised. _The anger she was radiating at him right now was something he hadn't expected. Not today anyway..._

'Your name is on the wall? This place is built on your sweat and blood and what the ever hell? No Cats and mouse? And my favorite?' She summed up all the things he had told her or barked at her these last months.

Gillian grabbed the bottle from her desk and drank straight from it now.

Cal's mouth hung open slightly and he was glued to her face. He knew what was coming now and he didn't want to hear it.

'If I ever touch YOUR finances again, WE ARE THROUGH?' She snapped hurt as she took another swig of the whisky and put the flask down angrily. 'Really CAL?! We are through?' She came around the desk stalking at him. 'I'm still some sort of employee to you aren't I? You're never going to see me as your full partner are you?' She snapped at him as her blue eyes spit fire at him. An angry blush came up from her neck and made it's way over to her cheeks.

Cal sighed as he sat up straighter. 'You do know that's deflecting you're doing right now?' He stated, knowing that it'll only add fire upon her anger. And although he hadn't come here to wind her up or make her angry, somehow he had and he couldn't stop himself from making it worse. _He knew she was right, but somehow he couldn't show that to her. Like he needed to protect himself for some reason he didn't quite know._

'You talk about deflecting while all you do is running away for your responsibilities and whatever doesn't suit you. So yes Cal. If I say something that I've seen for such a long time what the hell will you do next? Are there even worse things you can do to me I wonder?' Gillian fumed as she put her hands up dramatically.

'Are you drunk already?' Cal asked as he got up from his chair.

'O yes sure. Because I could never be right about that could I? You just think you can hurt me over and over again.' She said as she pushed against his shoulder.

He looked from his shoulder back at her. _This wasn't the Gillian he knew_. Well, sure. He knew angry Gillian, fuming Gillian, annoyed Gillian. But this was… Different…. Like something that had been build up for months was coming out now.

'And this all because of the sexual ADHD? Cuz I look at other woman then?' He pushed her.

'Yes Cal! Of course this is all about **you**!' She snapped angrily. 'Maybe for ONCE you could just LISTEN. I already told you what this is about.'

Cal averted his gaze as he felt guilt running through him.

'Yes.' She said as she pointed at his face now. 'That's it. Exactly that.'

He shifted his face and had trouble looking at her. _Sometimes he had the idea that she could look right through him. He wasn't used to that. Almost no one could do that._

'I'm tired. I don't know where this is coming from.' Gillian suddenly raved as she walked back to her desk and began packing her back. As she shook her head. _The liquor must have gone to her head to quickly. She hadn't eaten much today either. She was losing her temper too quickly. This was not like her._

'Yeah you do.' Cal said as he put his hands in his pockets. 'Been bottling things up have you?' He tried to sound nice. And not act angrily to protect himself.

'Yes Cal. I have.' She said she looked up at him. 'But no reason to stoop even lower then you and act like this.'

'Why not? Cuz that's not you? It's not the civil thing to do?' He pushed. He couldn't stop himself, but that last remark made anger flare up from his stomach to his throat right out of his mouth.

Gillian looked up at him. 'O you just love to push me away wouldn't you!?'

'Oy... **You** are pushing **me** away luv, lost time I checked.'

'Yes, keep telling yourself that.' She said as she shook her head and took her coat from her chair.

'Oy, talk to me Gill.'

Gillian shook her head. 'For such a smart man you can really be daft at times Cal.' She snapped as she buttoned her coat up and grabbed her phone.

'How can you not call this pushing me away?' Call asked in a sweet tone now as he walked over to her. His eyes pleaded her to stay.

'You push me away Cal, before I can say something that is truthful but will probably hurt you.' She said as she let her phone slip in her purse.

Cal tried not to swallow. And he instantly knew she was right. 'So what's so bad about sexual ADHD then?'

'You're afraid to commit to long relationships Cal.' She took a step towards him. 'You're afraid to let a woman close. Real close. You don't know what it is to make love to a woman. You just shag them and run off. Easy and quick. Safe.' She closed her purse and backed away to walk around her desk towards the door.

'So you would know yeah?' He asked to her retreating back. He walked along the desk too now and tried to get to her before she could reach the door. 'Cuz you were there with me, in my bed, I was shagging you then?' He confronted her.

Gillian sighed as she turned around on her high heels. 'I just had to read it off you, that's all. Maybe you can ask Wallowski.'

Cal angrily put his hand against the door so she couldn't leave. Then he put his back against the door to block her way out.

'Really? Why would I?' Cal asked.

'You slept with her too didn't you? I don't care. Do whatever you like. And move away from the door Cal.'

'Of course you don't care. You're clean-Gillian.'

'O that again.' Gillian sighed as she remembered him saying that a month ago. 'I'm not going to fight with you anymore. I'm too tired. And frankly, I'm not interested.' She said as she waved him away.

He grabbed her pulse. 'Really? Cuz what else I saw on the screen was lust.'

Gillian narrowed her eyes. 'Really Cal? You just had to analyze that video? The man was attractive, yes it might have been lust.' 'For him.' She quickly added.

'Nah nah nah… I'm not talking about that psycho-plonker. I'm talking 'bout me. When you were telling him about me. '

'Why are you doing this Cal? ' She shook her head again. 'What is happening to you?'

'What do you mean?' Cal asked as he stepped in her personal space and looked up at her.

'You've changed somehow.' She said as she searched his eyes. 'These last months. And I can't figure out why. It's like you've lost track. You insult people, Loker… Ria… Even more. Even me. You lash out at me. And it's…..' He could see tears forming in her eyes. 'It's like you enjoy it. You enjoy pushing me away.'

Cal took a step back as he tried to stop his nostrils from flaring. 'You should know why I did that.' He half accused her as he stared at her.

Gillian tried to read him and then shook her head. 'I don't. How can I? If you don't let me read you?'

'You're too sweet. Too everything.' Cal suddenly spat out in a low tone.

Gillian moved her head away not understanding. 'Too sweet? Really Cal? And that's a bad thing?'

'Burns wasn't just in it for the sex. He really fancied you.' Cal said as he put his hands in his pockets.

She gave him a surprised and confused look. 'Dave? You're making no sense Cal.' _She couldn't follow his train of thought._

'You're in it for the long haul aren't you? With men? You cling to them and do your thing…' He said as he turned away and put his hands in the air. 'The smothering, mothering, cuddling, caring and what the ever hell more.'

'I don't even know if that's an insult or not.' Gillian said angrily as she looked at him. 'It did sound like an insult.' She concluded as she stared at the ground shortly. _Cal was making no sense to her again_. 'What does that have to do with you behaving like a British ass these last months?' Gillian stabbed at him as she looked up again.

'Wow bingo. She does know how to slap.' Cal walked towards her with his hands in his pockets. 'Your boyfriend- FORMER boyfriend said I couldn't say the word 'love'. Any idea how he got that idea?' _Did she tell him this? Did she tell Burns about him, about what an ass he could be? About how he had sexual adhd? About how he wasn't good enough for her? Did she reassure Burns that he had nothing to worry about: he didn't have to be afraid that Cal would ever make a chance with her?_

'I don't even know what you're talking about.' Gillian answered confused.

Cal's lip twitched. 'The hospital. I was there before you, remember?' _The last time Gillian would ever see her lover Dave Burns or what the hell his real name was. He'd been there. After the man almost died, after he himself had almost died._

'What did you say to him?' Gillian asked annoyed.

'If he was in it just for the sex.' Cal said as he stepped in her personal space.

'Like I wouldn't have noticed that if he were.' Gillian said angrily as she looked down on Cal from her high heels. _How could he have asked Dave such a thing?_ _! She wasn't totally incapable of reading men… At least… That was what she hoped… Her track record for men lately wasn't that great…_

'Like you wouldn't have noticed that your hubby was sleeping with another woman.' Cal accused her. _It was a mean stab and he knew it. It would hurt her. It would touch her. It would go over her bloody line._

The slap hit him so hard in his face that his cheek burned instantly. He hadn't even seen her move, all he felt was the pain in his face. And he saw the hurt in her eyes, the raw anger. He was far over the line this time.

' **Now** I'm through with **you**!' Gillian snapped as she turned on her heels.

He held his hand against his cheek. Felt pain inside of his heart. _But this is what he did. What he always did. The pushing away. The lashing out. And although she had warned him for it. He'd still done it. This is why he wouldn't be good for her. She was clean and pure, sweet- too sweet. And he just ruined everything good, all the time. Many a times...It was only sometimes that he had his good moments. And that's why he hated himself._

'I love ya.' He said softly as she opened the door.

'What?' Gillian uttered annoyed as she turned around. She could feel her hand tingling from the hard slap she'd given her business partner and supposed 'best friend.'

'I LOVE YOU' Cal practically spelled out for her as he put his hands in his pockets. He could still feel his cheek burning and the pain in his heart. Cal saw Gillian's eyes watering and he didn't understand why.

'Sure you can say that now.' Gillian said as she looked at him fiercely. 'When you've pushed again.' She turned away from him. 'You didn't mean that.' She snapped against the door as she dragged it open with a lot of force.

'Yes I do.' Cal shouted at her back as he ran through the door now behind her. 'Surprised ey? Surprised that the ex-criminal can actually love?' He ran towards her and began stalking next to her. 'I love you. There I said it again. It relieves me.'

'I'm so glad you're relieved.' She spat at him as she kept walking.

'You think I'm joking?'

Gillian stopped abruptly. 'Well you MUST be.' She snapped. 'Throwing something like that at me like this.'

'Should I fall on my knees for you then?'

'You're being an ass again.'

'No, I mean it.'

'I mean it too!' Gillian snapped. 'And stop following me.'

'Afraid that I want to shag you too? Afraid that you'll disappoint me in the sack?' He called angrily at her back.

That made her turn around. He could see her nostrils flare as she stalked back at him. 'I don't shag!' Gillian snapped as she walked in on him. He had to look up at her in her high heels and could feel her warm breath against his cheeks and mouth. 'What I do to my men is none of your business. And frankly, I'm sure you'd disappoint ME in the sack!' She barked at him. He smelled the whisky on her breath and the heat of her anger radiating angrily towards him.

His mouth fell open and before he could come up with a clever retort she was already on the other side of the hallway. He swallowed.

'I would be in it for the long haul too… With you. I'd never just shag you…' He said weakly to her retreating back. But she was too far away. And probably didn't hear him. _She was too important to him. The woman had his heart and could twist and turn it however she wanted. She just didn't know._

Hope you liked it. Let me know if you like. Next chapter will be coming soon!


	2. Chapter 2

Hi everyone! Thanks so much for your reviews! Nice to read what you think.

Chapter 2

'What's wrong?' Emily asked when she walked in the kitchen and saw her father sitting hunched over the kitchentable.

'Nothin'.' Cal lied as he looked up at his daughter. 'I'm happy, I am.'

'NO you're not. What did you do?' Emily asked as she eyed him and tried to read him.

'A good thing really.' Cal answered as he took a swig of his beer.

'What did you do?' Emily repeated as she sat down next to him.

'Nothin'.' Cal shrugged as he stared in front of him. 'Just resolved a situation.'

'What situation?'

Cal looked at Emily with narrowed eyes. 'You're too curious for your own good you are.' He mumbled. _Well, that was his own fault. Was his daughter. She had parts of his blood._

'Tell me.' Emily pried. Ignoring his deflection. 'Gillian? Is this about Gillian?' She tried. _She knew the topic was on his mind often (if not always) because she'd finally got him to admit that he loved the woman he worked with._

'It's better this way.' Cal commented flatly. _No use in trying to get out of this conversation. He'd trained his daughter too well._

'Did you hurt her?' Emily asked carefully, dreading the answer.

Cal looked at her. 'She doesn't love me.' Cal's lip twitched. He paused for a moment. 'That's settled then.' He said shortly as he shrugged. _He knew it. He knew it would be like this. He knew that would Gillian's answer. She wouldn't love him back, not like he did._

'No it isn't. I can't believe that. She does love you.' Emily countered astonished as she shook her head. _She'd seen the way Gillian had looked at her father. The way she had touched him, the care and nurturing she did and the way she seemed to be the only one who kept taking his crap without leaving._

'Nope. You're wrong there luv. Nice try though.'

'What did you do to her?' Emily asked.

He didn't answer. Just stared in front of him. _He felt like disappearing. He felt hurt so deeply. This was exactly what he had always been afraid of. And what had he been thinking? He was never good enough for her. He could only look from the sideline how other men came into her life and swooped her up. Men who weren't such a mess as he was. Although…. Alec was a mess… But he was a plonker._

'Spill it dad.' Emily pushed impatiently. _She just needed to know._ _She loved Gillian as part of her family. She loved having the kind-natured woman around. And it was fun seeing them together. Well… Most of the time, when they weren't arguing…_

'You pushed her away! I can't believe it.' Emily read off his face as he looked up at her. 'Again? How long will you keep doing this?' She asked as she stood up from the chair and shook her head again. _Why did he do this? Why did he stand his own happiness so much in the way? Of course she had her theories but this was getting ridiculous. Gillian and him were already acting as a married couple, minus the sex then, what stopped them? Emily knew they were both physically attracted to each other. And of course she could think about what a step it would be, but it was like they were both blind to the fact they'd already taken that step a very long time ago somehow. It was sooo clear that they were meant to be together. And everyone around them already thought that they were a couple most of the time. Wasn't that how they behaved? What was wrong with those two?!_ Emily thought frustrated.

'Not long. This was the last time. She's through with me.' Cal said curtly. He sounded sure of himself.

'No, she's not. I don't believe that.' Emily grumbled again. _She wanted to sigh very loudly but stopped herself. She could see that her dad was really hurting. It hurt her to see him like that._

'She said that.'

'Of course she did! If you're behaving like an ass.' Emily snapped. _She also knew how her dad could be, pushing people away, hurting them_.

Cal looked up at his daughter now. 'That's what I do Em. I'm an ass.' He sounded defeated.

'Not all the time.' She countered. _It wasn't good when her father sounded defeated. He had energy almost all the time. Now his energy seemed drained for the next coming months and he was hanging sadly and somberly on the kitchen table with a hollow look in his eyes. That's what Gillian could do to him. And Emily could bet that Gillian was probably not feeling well either._

'But mostly yes.' Cal said. 'I told her I love her. She didn't reciprocate. That's possible. It's not like I'm prince charming. She deserves her prince charming or what the ever hell she dreams off. I'm not him. Never were. Never was. Never will be. _'_

 _I'm cracked and broken._ Cal thought _. Something to be tossed away in the garbage maybe. But not a proper match as a romantic partner for her, the pure sweet woman who could be so vulnerable._

'That's it then. Case closed.' Cal said. _And just what he had been afraid of._ _That Gillian Foster wouldn't love him back like that. That she wouldn't feel the same. And that their friendship would be ruined. That it would be all awkward now._

'Yeah sure dad. We're talking about Gillian here. Not about just some woman.'

'You've done it again. You're afraid and that's why you pushed her away.' Emily said as she thought things over quickly. _She wasn't sure if she was right. But she probably was…_

'You sound just like her.' Cal mumbled annoyed.

'That's because she's a wise woman and so am I.' Emily said as she gave Cal a smug look.

'It's over. Just business now.' _He could do that, right? He'd buried himself before in work… And alcohol. And work. He could just work a lot. Avoid her. Work outside. Keep out of her way. He'd done that before._

'You know in hospital? When you had the car accident?' Emily asked. 'Gillian teared up when she saw you in the bed.'

'Well yeah. Nothin' special 'bout that. She's a cry baby.' Cal said as he filled his glass up.

'Dad!' Emily scolded angrily. _She didn't want to hear anything negative about one of her favorite persons in the world._

'A sweet, nice cry baby.' Cal muttered.

'She couldn't keep her hands of off you. As if she needed the contact.'

'What do you mean?' Cal asked intrigued as he looked up at her with interest in his hollow looking eyes.

Emily shrugged. 'She was Gillian. She did Gilliany things.' As if that was enough explanation.

'Like what?' Cal prodded impatiently.

'You know…' Emily said as she shrugged. 'The things she always does with you. Touching your chest. Caressing your face. Stroking your arm. Holding your hand. Holding your arm. She was stuck to you like glue. She never let go until you woke up and became an ass again. Sending us away. Sending her away.' Emily shook her head as she thought about how he'd reacted to them, to their care and how Gillian had stalked off angrily in response.

Cal sighed. He remembered Gillian's angry _'I wish you had hit your head harder'_ \- Remark when she had walked away.

'She does that with every man.' Cal mumbled. _He wasn't convinced that the touchy feely things she did pointed to something which could be used as proof that she felt more for him then just a best friend. That was just her. She liked to touch people. Comfort them. Console them. That was her._

'Yeah right.' Emily sighed. 'Did you ever see her doing that to Loker? Or to Ben?'

Cal thought for a moment at that. _Loker…? No….. Ben…? …. No he couldn't remember. But hadn't Ben taken her out at Las Vegas? No, still he couldn't remember. Maybe she didn't think that was professional with them or something._ 'I am her friend.' Cal put in against that. 'She does it to you.'

'That's different.' Emily countered. 'And she's not that grabby with me. Just with you. Do you have your eyes in your pockets **all** the time? Or **just** when it comes to her?' Emily asked angrily.

'Watch that tone young child.' Cal countered as he pointed at his daughter's face and smirked as he took a swig of his beer. 'Maybe I don't like gluey woman all that well.' He lied as he looked in his beer flask.

'Yeah sure dad. Keep telling yourself that until you're hundred or until she marries another.' Emily sighed tiredly. 'And she will you know. There'll be a lot of men who'd want her.'

'Oy!' Cal snapped. 'You're acting like I didn't do a thing. I did. I just told you. I told her that I love her. I repeated it a few times. She said…' Cal tried not to swallow to not show Emily how this hurt him. 'She said that I had to be joking. She thought that I was joking… And she was angry…. Which probably was for another reason…'

'Why was she angry then?'

'Don't remember. You know her. She gets angry.'

'And for good reason.' Emily said.

'You're defending her instead of your own flesh and blood?' Cal mumbled as he eyed Emily mockingly.

'No. I'm not taking any sides. I love you both. And she's family to me too you know.' Emily reminded him.

'Yeah I know.' Cal mumbled. _He hoped dearly that he hadn't ruined that now…_

'Why did you push her away? In the hospital?' Emily asked earnestly after a short pause.

Cal sighed and thought back about that moment. _He'd been in the car accident. He was in pain. He was angry because he knew the accident wasn't an accident. He hadn't felt or seen Gillian's care at that moment._

 _Did he?_

 _Or maybe he had and it frightened him? That moment he was thinking about business._

'We were finding a killer remember? That same killer caused the accident.'

'Are you deflecting dad?'

'Nah, I'm not.' He shook his head tiredly.

'Yeah you are. You were in pain and Gillian was there for you. So was I. We were worried sick.' Emily said as he remembered the shock she had felt when Gillian had called her to come to the hospital because her dad was in it. Hit by another car..

Cal shrugged. _He didn't deserve Gillian's care. Her sweet hands on his. Her worry. He'd pushed her away. Because he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve her warmth. It made him long for her even more. Long for her smothering and mothering as he had thrown it at her hours ago. Of course, she'd smothered him when she wanted to care for him and he didn't want it:_

' **Did you sleep on the couch?!'** He'd heard her ask incredulous when she'd brought Loker and Ria to his home after the accident so he didn't have to come to them.

 _So caring, so sweet. So pure. That was her._

 _Yeah he'd slept on the couch. None of her business. He hadn't taken good care of himself in her eyes so mother goose had to say something about that. Well… At least… He taught her that much, to let the subject go. She didn't come back at it again that day. Or any other day.._

 _But if it'd been her business, would she have put him in bed? Kept him warm with her body? She'd probably done that to Burns. Or Alec. Or who the ever hell she *did* let close. Who the ever hell she *did* let over that line, who the ever hell was allowed to touch her everywhere, who was allowed in her bed. He so wanted that place. He wanted to get to know her more intimately. Not only physically. He wanted to get far across that line. He wanted to know what moved her, her every feeling and emotion. Her every thought. He wanted her. All of her. Every bloody thing of her. But she'd never allow him…_ He thought sadly… _And she was right._

' **You can't even say it can you?' He heard Burns ask again.**

' **Love. It's called love.' Burns words rang through his head.**

 **Cal could say that. He could say** _ **love**_ **.**

 **But when Cal said the word to Burns…. It felt off…**

 **It felt like poison on his tongue. Like something he had to spit out quickly.**

 _Why?_ He knew why. _There was no love when he was a child or after that. Even longing for it was forbidden. It made you weak. It would ruin you. It only gave pain. He wasn't weak; he was strong, hard, he was a survivor. Because If he weren't then… He wouldn't be able to stay alive. So now, even now saying that word 'love', or even telling himself that he 'loved' someone was too much vulnerability. It was a dirty word. It was a dangerous word_.

 _And it probably was a wonderful word to Foster. She'd probably wanted to hear from Burns how he loved her, over and over again. Maybe Burns was able to say it to her in bed over and over again. And Cal couldn't._

 _He couldn't._

 _It was like Burns knew. The way Burns had looked at him in the hospital, although with one eye because the rest of his face was swollen and wounded. It was with pity._

 _He couldn't make love to a woman. She'd said that. He just shagged them. And then ran off._

 _Cal was a pathetic ass. So yeah. Maybe Gillian was right. He had the sexual adhd. He wasn't in it for the long haul no more. Especially after Zoe. After all that pain that almost cost his life. Gillian had been there for him then…_ He sighed. _He could not lose Gillian. Yeah sure, he'd want to have her in his bed, or on the couch, or on the desk.. He was lusting for her big time.. But he needed her too. He couldn't take the risk of losing her. He wouldn't be able to cope with that. Next to Emily, that damn woman had pried himself so deep in his heart that he wouldn't be able to live without her. If she ever left she'd take such a big part of his with her that he'd stay behind so empty that he probably would just drop down on the floor like a blubbering mess._

'Don't you have to go to your mum's?' Cal asked as he looked at the clock and pointed towards the door.

'Can I leave you like this?' Emily asked worried as she got up from her chair.

'No mum. You really can't. You should take care of me the whole evening and all days after that...' Cal grumbled sarcastically.

'Dad…' Emily prodded.

He looked up at her bleary eyed. 'You're getting too big for your own good.' He said as he caressed her cheek and put a strand of her hair behind her ear. 'Just go luv. I'll be okay.'

She stared at him with her big doe-eyed eyes.

'I swear.' Cal said as he put his fist against his chest.

'Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow then?' She asked. 'Lunch? Remember?'

'I could never forget sweet darling.' Cal slurred.

'Yeah, like I didn't hear that one before.' Emily mumbled as she took her back pack from another chair and put it on.

'Oy, I heard that.' Cal managed to stand up from his chair and pushed his daughter out of the kitchen. 'And off you go little one.'

'I'm not that little anymore dad.' Emily grumbled.

'Go go go.'

'I love you.' Emily said as she turned around and hugged him.

'Love ya too.' He said as he kissed her cheek lovingly. 'Go have some fun.'

Emily looked around with worry in her eyes.

'Go!' He ordered.

When the door shut Cal grabbed his coat. _This probably wasn't a good idea. He should probably stay home. But he wasn't the kind of guy to stay home._ _And really? Thinking before acting? That wasn't really his thing. Especially when he felt like this_ … He grabbed his car-keys and left.

End of chapter 2

What did you think?


	3. Chapter 3

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your reviews. Nice hearing from the ones who are still reading this!

Chapter 3

 **Gillian's house**

Gillian couldn't sleep. She'd taken a hot bath and had tried to calm herself. She was staring at the ceiling in the darkness. Lying in her bed. She'd tried counting to thousand, and several breathing exercises. But she couldn't stop thinking about her fight with Cal only hours ago. It had been a nasty fight. And she reprimanded herself. She'd been mean towards him. Of course, he had been mean but she shouldn't have let herself go like that. She sighed deep. Maybe she should forgive herself for that. She always tried to reign in her feelings and anger. But the bucket had filled up so much since these last months that it overflowed all at once.

She stared at another part of her ceiling. She always knew why Cal acted out. She tried to not take it personally when he said things that hurt her. She knew of his awful childhood. Cal had deep wounds that came up in his daily life now and then, which made him lash out. To the persons closest to him. Or the one who was just near him at that moment.

And usually it wasn't too much for her. Because she knew that he had a good heart. And she cared deeply for him.

But this time... Gillian felt her breathing hitch. What had he meant with _'I love you?'_ Was it a joke? Or just to read her reaction to it? So he could play her?

She shouldn't think such thoughts about him. Such bad thoughts. But these last weeks… It seemed like he used things on purpose to hurt her. Was this another one? Why would he use the word 'love' like that? To test her?

Gillian sighed again as she turned on her side. Tomorrow would probably be the same as always after a big fight. Cal would pretend that nothing had happened. Things would go on like usual because there was so much work to do.

She didn't feel like going to him tomorrow. She had to think of herself too. She felt vulnerable. She didn't like to admit that to herself. But she wasn't ready yet to talk about this with Cal. Maybe... In a few days. Or a week. Or a month. Maybe then she could ask him… When they were sitting together and were friendly again… What he had meant. Maybe then she could explain that those things hurt her. And that he should take care to not do these things. But did that really matter? He could read right off her face that it hurt her. Although she tried to hide it partly, she knew he saw it. So were her words useful? She let it go many times. Because… Well, he just was who he was. A difficult man sometimes. She tried to reign him in but it just didn't work anymore.

And why did he begin about Dave? What did he mean about what Dave had said about love. She sighed again. This was getting too complicated. Maybe the best thing was to just let it be for a while. To let it sink in. Focus on the job.

When Gillian finally slipped away in an annoying dream her phone woke her with a start.

'Hello?' She mumbled sleep heavily with worry lacing her tone. _Who would call at this time at night?! Something might be wrong..._

'Dr Foster?' A strange voice said on the other line.

'Yes?' She asked as she straightened herself and more worry fluttered in her chest. 'Who is this?'

'I don't know if you still know me... But I spoke to you a while ago. I came to your Lightman Group. I'm sorry to wake you at this hour. It's me. Wheels. Johnny Wheels. The guy in the wheel chair? Remember? Johnny the Mouth's friend? From the poker you know? '

'Wheels?' Gillian asked as she tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes. 'Yes, I remember.' She suddenly said as she remembered the man in the wheelchair and how she slipped up and asked him if his name really was wheels before she was going to interrogate him when she had helped Cal to stay out of the claws of the FBI. He had called her legs. He seemed like a good man.

'Yeah.'

'What's wrong?' Gillian asked worried as her chest clenched together. _He wouldn't call for no reason. Especially not in the middle of the night. And not while he didn't know her privately. How did he even get her number?_

'I didn't know who to call.' Wheels admitted. 'You said you are a friend of Johnny?'

 _Johnny? Who was that... O ... Cal. Cal had saved Wheels from killing himself and had gambled for him to get the loan sharks off of his back._

'Yes I am.' Gillian quickly said. _Wheels hadn't believed her to be a friend of Cal, or Johnny the mouth. So Ria had to show him a photo of them together._

'He's here and he doesn't want to go home. He's in kind of a bad state.' Wheels sighed. 'I don't know any of his friends. I thought you might know someone to come get him?'

'Yes.' She jumped out of bed immediately, fully awake now. Filled with adrenaline. Cal was in trouble. If it was up to her she would be there in seconds. 'Where is he?' She asked worried as she grabbed her shoes and trousers.

'We're at a bar called 'the lone ranger.' Do you know it?'

 **At the lone ranger**

'I just called Legs.' Wheels said as he wheeled back to the table Cal was lying at.

'Want more beer.' Cal leered as he pulled his face up from the table and took another gulp from his flask.

'Joe says you had enough.' Wheels said as he nodded at the barman Joe to warn him.

'No one tells me what to do.' Cal snapped weakly. His eyes were bloodshot.

'So you were telling me about this Jill.' Wheels remembered him. _Who the hell had gotten Johnny the Mouth this far under the table to get himself so extremely drunk? It must have been bad.._

'Don't want to talk 'bout her.' Cal muttered.

'She dumped you?' Wheels tried.

'No. I never had her.' Cal answered sadly. _He didn't care no more about his emotions. About hiding them. Cared about nothin' no more. Just Emily._

'Is that why you're like this?' Wheels asked.

'She's gorgeous she is. And I'm a bastard ass from the gutter.' Cal mumbled, deflecting from Wheel's question.

Wheels sighed as he shook his head. 'Woman. They can make you turn into a blubbery mess and forget all about yourself.'

'She can have any man she wants. Why would she 'ave me?' Cal asked somberly with an angry undertone as he took a swig of his beer.

'Yeah, what's new.' Wheels said as he looked at the flask in Cal's hand that was getting empty very quickly.

'Once from the gutter, always from the gutter.' Cal mumbled.

'Come on. You've got a job now right?' Wheels bended forward at Cal. 'At that fancy group?' He tried to cheer him up.

'Lightman group.' Cal mumbled.

'Well it isn't that bad right?' Wheels thought about the lovely classy woman who had interviewed him.

Cal stared at his beer.

'So this doctor Legs is your boss?' Wheels asked curiously.

'Doctor legs?' Cal asked confused and bleary eyed.

'Yeah you know. The tall one. Blonde, blue eyes. Man… Those eyes… Amazing… And that figure of hers… Curves everywhere... '

'Don't know who you're talkin' 'bout.' Cal mumbled in his flask.

'And this Lightman is good to work for?'

'Lightman's an ass an' bastard.' Cal blurted out as he laughed at that. 'Foster's the bossy one. Bossy woman.'

'So.. You thinks she's single?' Wheels asked. _Not that he'd ever make a chance with a woman like Legs... But who knew... And it wouldn't hurt to get more information about this beautiful woman._

'Who?'

'Legs.'

'How would I know.' Cal mumbled annoyed. _He didn't know all the woman who worked there. Didn't remember them..._

Wheels shook his head. _It was clear to him that he wouldn't get any good information out of drunk Johnny the Mouth._

'So what did this Jill do to you?' He tried.

'I said I loved her. She got angry. She said that I had to be joking.'

'Ouch.'

'Yeah. Can't blame her really.' Cal shrugged. _He was toxic after all.. A bad influence. Someone to stay away from, not someone to get that close to..._ 'Then she walked away. She did say something 'bout never shaggin' me.'

'Ouch. What a waste.'

'Me not bein' good in the sack.'

'You ever slept with her then?' Wheels asked.

'Only in my dreams.' Cal laughed as he looked at his friend. 'And I was damn good there. No complaints from her there.'

They both laughed. 'And she was amazin'… Of course.'

'She's an expert she is.' Cal blurted out angrily. 'Reading everyone like that with her gazy dreamy eyes. Can whirl you around her finger in an instant that one. Got me from the beginnin' with her sweet laced voice like silk.' Cal spat. 'She said I don't know what it's like to make love to a woman.'

'You've had many woman.' Wheels said surprised.

'Yeah. Had them. You can say that again. I'd know damn well how to please her in the sack! Damn woman!'

'Yeah that's right!' Wheels said in support as he looked at the door of the cafe longingly. _Legs had promised to sent help. How long would that take?_

'She was right ya know. Which annoys me. Nosy woman meant… You know… You know them… Them woman… The sweet ones you know… They want to hear that you love 'em. Seems that the sweet ones are more dangerous then the bad woman hangin' around. _Use your WORDS CAL._ She would probably say. Well I used my words. Look where that got me!' He huffed angrily. 'Never listen to her I tell you! Never do!' Cal ranted angrily at Wheels.

Cal looked up at Wheels with blurry eyes. 'She's good with words ya know. Not me. Shrink. Shrinkage. That's what she does. Shrinking stuff ya know.'

'That's your last flask.' Wheels stated as Cal grabbed a new one from the table he had already ordered before.

'Wheels... Gonna tell you this once, and remember it for the rest of your life yeah: there is NO last of anythin' for me this night. Yeah? Let the booze come. Don't care how I feel tomorrow. Hope I'll sleep for a week or two. And then…' Cal shrugged as he looked at Wheels with wet glazy eyes. 'I'll juzztt… come back for more booze..' He slurred.

'What about your job? You've got a good job now. Don't want to let that go.' Wheels tried worried. _He wanted the best for his friend. Didn't want him to drop himself in some sort of drunken daze for the coming weeks and just dissapear of the face of the earth._

'S'pose she wants me to tell her I love her over and over again. Love makin'. What's the difference with a good shag? Ain't that the same?' Cal said. _He knew what she'd meant. But wouldn't admit that to himself or anyone else._

'They talk too much. That's their problem.' Wheels said as he sighed.

'You can say that again.' Cal agreed. 'Funny thing that one. Choose talking as her job… Real funny yeah?'

'There's Legs.' Wheels said surprised as he looked up at the beautiful woman who made her way over to them.

'Who?' Cal asked as he looked up. He saw double.

'Cal?' Suddenly he felt warm hands on his face and on his forehead.

'You're alone?' Wheels asked astonished as he looked behind her.

Gillian nodded.

'I thought you'd bring his friends?' Wheels hadn't meant for her to come. _Alone, a woman. So late at night._

'I am his friend.' Gillian said shortly as she focused on Cal now fully. She studied his face. 'It's okay. Cal, what's going on?' Gillian asked sweetly and softly as she tried to read him.

'Are there three of you?' Cal asked as his eyes swooped from the left to the right.

Gillian sighed as she looked at the empty beer flasks in front of him.

Cal began to laugh uncontrollably. 'Three Foster's… That'll be the day… One naggin' me 'bout money, one naggin' me 'bout them stupid jobs, one naggin'-'

'-Cal?' Wheels asked surprised as Gillian took the half empty flask in front of Cal away and put it out of his reach on the other side of the table.

'Oy!' Cal mumbled weakly. He wanted to stop her but was too weak to move as quickly as she could.

'That's what we call him in the office.' Gillian explained quickly to Wheels. Cal had called himself 'Johnny the Mouth when he had met Wheels. Because he'd played poker with criminals to help Wheels. Gillian guessed it had been safe to go undercover and not share his real identity then.

Gillian sat down next to Cal and bended forward to Wheels. 'How long has he been here?' She asked so she could hear what the damage was.

'Heeeey..' Cal slurred as he came up from his slumped position on the chair next to her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and put his head against her shoulder. 'It's mother goose.' He said as if it was the first time he'd noticed her now.

Gillian rolled her eyes and sighed at that.

Wheels raised his eyebrows at that.

'Never mind.' She told Wheels dismissively who looked at the both of them with a surprised look in his eyes.

Cal happily rested his cheek against Gillian's shoulder and was hugging her from the side now.

Gillian could smell the alcohol-smell enveloping her.

'Uhm… Like a few hours.' Wheels said as he looked from Cal's leaning head on her shoulders to the blue eyes that were staring at him. _What kind of friends were they really?_

'How much did he drink?' Gillian asked as she grabbed the glass out of Cal's hand.

'Oy!' Cal protested weakly. Gillian easily grabbed his wrist to push his hand away from the glass.

Cal's upper body fell flat on the table with a thud. Gillian sighed.

'Quite some much.' Wheels admitted as they both looked at him. 'He didn't want to leave.' Wheels said as he searched in his pockets for Cal's car-keys and gave them to her.

'No Cal.' Gillian suddenly warned. 'I can still see that, you know.' She snapped as she saw Cal's hand making a route towards his beer bottle sneakily.

'So bossy.' Cal mumbled as he ignored her warning and bended foward to try and grab the bottle from the table. Gillian grabbed his shirt with one hand and pulled Cal back from the table to lean against the chair again with seemingly no effort at all, as she kept her eyes trained on Wheel's face.

'I couldn't take him home myself.' Wheels explained as he pointed at his wheelchair. 'As you might imagine… Takes me half a day to even get here myself in this thing.'

Gillian nodded and looked back at Cal. 'Look at me Cal. LOOK at me.' She snapped sternly as she let go of his shirt.

Cal straightened himself suddenly and moved so much in her personal space that he was only millimeters away from her face instantly. Gillian had to move her face back quickly as to not let their noses collide.

'Am lookin'…' Cal said slowly as his eyes went to her lips.

Gillian put her hand against his hard and warm chest and pushed him back against the chair.

She shook her head as she looked at Wheels again. 'Thank you.' She told him with gratitude in her voice. 'Thank you very much.'

'So you really are his friend?' Wheels asked surprised as he looked from Cal back to the beautiful Legs. Cal had come forward again and was hugging Gillian from the side now. Putting his cheek against her upper arm lazily.

'Yes.' Gillian said as she tried to pry Cal away from his firm grip on her body. 'Cal? Cal? Can you walk?'

'Your skin is sooo soft.' Cal said as he began to feel her hair with his hand. His other hand caressed her cheek.

'Cal… Try to listen to me. Look at me.'

'Soooffffttttt….' Cal slurred.

'I'm going to take you home yes?' She tried as she put Cal's hands down in his laps but they just kept coming back at her automatically. It reminded her of the time he'd had the muffin with the drugs in it. She'd given up on trying to get his limbs out of her way just then when she had visited him in the psychiatric ward. How afraid and worried she had been about him then… That he wouldn't get out of there safely… And now she was also worried.

Gillian sighed as she looked back at Wheels.

'Are you sure it's just the beer he drank? Nothing else? He almost seems drugged or something. With something else.' Gillian said as she had to close her eyes because Cal's finger almost poked her right eye as his hands were roaming over her face.

Wheels tried not to laugh. But it did look really funny. _If only he could act drunk and use that as an alibi to touch that woman. Sadly enough she probably wouldn't let him. She seemed to have a special bond with Johnny._

'He's had a bad day.' Wheels explained as he looked at his friend. 'About some woman.'

'Ahh.' Gillian said as she nodded and tried to think about what woman this could be. _She didn't know he was with a woman again? Maybe one of his flings._

'He's really got it this time.' Wheels said as he shook his head. 'Haven't seen him like this in a long time. Kept telling me how he loves her and can't live without her.'

Gillian looked from Cal who was caressing her neck now back at Wheels. _Who could that be? Cal didn't love just anyone_. She sighed inwardly. _Zoe. It must be. When did she come back again into their lives?_

'Zoe?' Gillian asked as she once again took one of Cal's wrist in a feeble attempt to get him to stop.

'Who?' Wheels asked as he looked at Cal's restricted hand that was now caressing the woman's lower arm.

'Zoe? Was that the name he mentioned to you?' Gillian asked as she couldn't hold Cal's wrist anymore and turned back to him with her attention. 'Not too low Cal.' She warned quickly as she grabbed his hand away from almost fumbling in her cleavage.

'How can you smell so good all the time?' Cal asked slowly with a drunken undertone as he pushed his nose against her cheek when she turned her face towards Wheels.

Wheels bit his lips not to laugh. 'No, not Zoe… I don't remember the name. So you can get him home safely?' Wheels asked. 'And then you'll go back to your husband?' He tried.

Gillian looked up at him with big eyes. 'I'll make sure he'll get home safely.'

 **End for now...**

Hope you liked it, and that I didn't make a lot of spelling mistakes... Next chapter will be about Gillian trying to get Cal out of the cafe and back home... Please let me know what you think


	4. Chapter 4

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your reviews. I wanted to send personal messages back but didn't have the time due to work. Thanks again!

Chapter 4

'He thinks he's not good enough. But he's really a very good man.' Wheels told Gillian as he watched her stand up.

 _She knew that. No one needed to tell her that. She maybe knew that better than anyone else. That's why she took his lashing out, his crap, his insults._

'Okay, here we go.' Gillian said as she tried to get Cal up. She was already up from her chair and bended forward towards Cal with her hands on both of his sides to help him up too.

'Come on Cal. You can do this.' Gillian tried when she had Cal in her arms. They were both standing up now. Gillian up straight and Cal slumped against her in something that looked like standing up straight but really wasn't. It looked like he would fall down flat on the floor once Gillian would move away only slightly.

'One foot in front of the –' Gillian began as she looked at his feet that wouldn't move. '-other...'

When Gillian looked back up at Cal she took a step back and her foot slipped over something wet on the floor. She lost her balance and tumbled backwards on the table.

'Auch.' She uttered as she lay flat on the table now. 'Oomph.' She breathed out only a second later when all the air got pushed out of her lungs instantly as Cal's upper body crashed flush against hers only moments later.

Cal made no move to get off of her and placed his head satisfied between her breasts. 'You're so soft.' He drawled. He looked as if he wasn't really there but somewhere else and was going to sleep.

 _Great._ Gillian thought as she felt her cheeks, neck and chest heating up severely. She knew she would be as red as a tomato in only seconds to come.. She tried to move but he was too heavy and had her pinned down on the hard table. He mumbled something as he nestled his head with a satisfied sigh deeper into her chest.

Wheels tried not to laugh as he saw Leg's face turn a deep shade of red: even visible in the dark café this late at night. He nudged at the barman who walked towards them to help.

'Cal…!' Gillian uttered. _Was that hard thing pushing in her back a bottle? It hurt!_ 'Cal come on.' She begged with irritation in her voice as she tried to struggle to get out from under him but he still hang too limply on top of her.

'I'm okay.' Cal suddenly mumbled in a happy voice as he made no move to move away.

'Here we go.' The barman said as he helped Cal up from the other side so Gillian could straighten herself.

'Ouch.' She said as she grabbed her back and looked at the table where the beer bottle lay that had hurt the muscles in her body.

'Ouch.' Wheels said as he stared at one of Cal's beer bottles and to her back.

'Thank you.' Gillian apologized clumsily to the big barman as she straightened her white blouse. 'Thank you.' She said again with her face, neck and cleavage still flushed.

'Oy! Don't want you! Want Gill.' Cal snapped at the tall barman as he had finally found his voice back.

'Jill? That was it!' Wheels said gladly. Then he looked with big eyes from Cal back to Legs. 'You are Jill?' Wheels asked surprised and somewhat disappointed. _He had remembered that she was 'doctor Foster' in her job._

'Gillian.' Gillian offered as she nodded and put a strand of hair behind her ears and had her eyes on Cal.

Wheels was still looking at the beautiful woman in front of him who was off limits for him now if Cal was interested in her. _He had somehow missed the Gillian part, or the 'Jill/ Gill' part for that matter. He thought Cal had been talking about someone else._

 _How to hell was she going to get Cal home like this?!_ Gillian looked up at the barman. 'Could you maybe help us-' The air got pushed from her lungs once again as Cal crushed his body enthusiastically to hers and hugged her tight. '-To my car.' Gillian managed to bring out the rest of her sentence. _She didn't have a lot of trouble with Cal's clingy behavior. She was used to him touching her, liked it even. But she had to admit that tonight he was very clingy. And him settling himself down between her breasts while she was pinned to a table seemed a bit over the line to her… But she'd forget about that because he was drunk of course. He probably wouldn't even remember this tomorrow…_

'Gill.' Cal mumbled in her warm neck. 'Goosebumps.' He mumbled as he loosened his face from her neck and let his finger trail the goosebumps on her skin. 'Freckles.'

'Yes Cal, freckles.' Gillian said in a tone as if she was talking to a kid and was losing her patience now. _She didn't like the audience they were having and wanted to leave here as quickly as possible._

Wheels could hear her tone getting annoyed now. She looked beautiful with the blue eyes and the flushed skin everywhere.

'Now move to the car.' Gillian ordered impatiently. 'Thanks.' She said to wheels as the barman had Cal under his left shoulder and Gillian tried to pry Cal's arm away from her body to get it over her shoulder. 'Move your feet Cal.' She ordered sternly. 'We are going home.'

'Don't have a home.' Cal muttered in a low voice.

'Yes you do.' Gillian answered. 'One foot in front of the other.' Gillian said sternly now. 'Bye.' She said to Wheels.

'Don't have a home…. Not anymore.' Cal mumbled sadly in her shoulder.

'Of course you do.' Gillian argued lightly. _It probably was no use talking logically to him in this state._

'No. Not without you.'

She swallowed and was glad that he probably couldn't read her in this state anyway. _Why would he say things like that? What possessed him?_

'What did you do to him?' The barman asked astonished as they managed to get him out of the café with a lot of trouble. Cal didn't seem to mind giving them both a hard time and hanging limply in between them.

'Me? Nothing.' Gillian said surprised.

'He's a good man. We all like him around here.'

'Yes. I usually like him too. Sometimes.' Gillian muttered annoyed.

'He likes you very much.' The barman said as they came to Gillian's car.

'He sometimes annoys the hell out of me. That's what he likes.' Gillian hissed as she started to search for her keys. They were both leaning against her car. _She was not going to talk with the barman, or Wheels or with anyone else about their relationship. It was none of their business. And she had other things on her mind right now. Getting him home safely and trying to make it comfortable for him there._

'My car.' Cal argued as he pointed somewhere in the air.

'No my car.' Gillian said as they leaned him against her car so she could open her door.

'Good night.' Cal said as he suddenly grabbed her face and kissed her straight on the lips like it was the most normal thing to do. He let go and turned around to walk away.

Gillian stood frozen to the ground and stared at him with big eyes.

'Woow.' The barman said as he was just in time to catch Cal before he could have contact with the pavement.

'I'm gonna make love to you.' Cal slurred in the barman's hug.

'I think you'd need and want her for that.' Joe said as he looked down at the smaller man and then smirked at Gillian. 'It's me. Joe.'

'Could you put him-' Gillian asked as she'd opened the door and gestured towards the chair. She could feel the heat rising and probably coloring her face red as a beet once again this evening. _Great. ._

'Are you sure you're going to be okay with him? He's got it bad.' Joe asked.

'Yes, he'll be very happy tomorrow.' She smiled knowingly at Joe. They both knew the headache and sick feeling Cal would almost surely have tomorrow.

'I'm going to make love to you.' Cal slurred as he put his hand on her cheek when they had finally gotten him in the car seat.

'He's making no sense.' Gillian laughed excusable to Joe. 'He did drink a lot.' She rambled as a school girl who felt ashamed as she tried to get Cal's hands back in his lap. 'It's the liquor talking.' She told him as her blue eyes bored into his blurry half open ones.

'That woman he was talking about whole night long really got to his brain.' Joe pointed out as he put his hands in his sides and eyed the blonde in front of him.

Cal licked his lips as Gillian quickly put on his seatbelt. He kissed her cheek. She quickly closed the car door so he could do no more damage. She straightened herself as she turned around towards Joe.

'So who is she? Someone from his work?' Joe inquired curiously.

'I guess. Yes.' Gillian nodded.

'So that wasn't you?'

'No.' She lied a little bit too quickly.

'He just thinks it's you.' Joe asked as he narrowed his eyebrows and searched her red face.

'Probably. Many woman on the job there.' She lied. She still was red. 'You know him. One woman one day, another woman the other day. I've lost count really. He probably won't remember her tomorrow. ' She said as she gestured towards the car. _Ouch, that wasn't very honest of her. But she just wanted to leave right now. And not be further interrogated by Joe._

'Yeah.' Joe said in a way that he didn't believe her.

'So thanks.'

'Good luck.' Joe said as he grinned and made his way back to the bar.

Thankfully Cal had fallen asleep and was snoring loudly when Gillian sat herself in her car.

 **Half an hour later**

'Cal?' Gillian asked sweetly as she loosened his seatbelt. 'You're home.'

He opened his eyes softly. 'Gil.' He said as he put his hands around her cheeks.

'Ow you're soo drunk.' She said as she straightened herself and looked at the door of his house. She hoped the way there would be shorter than the way from the café to the car.

'You're going to regret this in the morning.' Gillian said as she helped him up from the car. 'Just shutting the door.' She explained him sweetly and caringly.

'Here we go.' She managed to pull his arm around her shoulder.

What did you think?


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks so much for your reviews:**

Standasawitness pointed me to the fact of confusion about order of events in my story and the tvshow. I'm sorry: I should have mentioned this in chapter 1, totally forgot! My fantasy just started from the half of season 3 I think, around the time with Wheels, and I used some things from episodes that might be after that, but It's before Claire's death. That never happened in my story... Hope that makes it a bit clearer for everyone?

Furthermore a Guest pointed me to a spelling mistake: thanks very much. English is not my mother's tongue, so sharing things like me will make me learn and I appreciate it.

And a question I was thinking about: in the chapter where I wrote about Gillian falling on the flask. Should it be flask or bottle? Or can it be both? 'Flask' sounds so weird to me.

Hope you'll enjoy the next chapter! And because of the longer wait for you guys I made this chapter extra long!

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 **Chapter 5**

'Ya know what I'm thinkin' 'bout a lot?' Cal slurred when Gillian stopped her car in front of her house.

'I can't wait to find out.' Gillian sighed tiredly as she unbuckled her seatbelt. _It wasn't as if he was going to stop talking to her anyway in his drunken state. The twenty minutes that he had been silent had been God-sent. Well, silent… -snoring loudly-_.

 _She wondered if he was telling her the things that had been on his mind all these years and if there was any truth behind it… Or that he was just rambling and pushing her…_

'Where those freckles go.' He slurred as he eyed the front of her shirt curiously and her jeans and licked his lips lazily.

'You know Cal?' Gillian suddenly said in a seductive voice as she leaned towards him. 'I'll show you were they go.' She told him.

'Really?' Cal asked astonished as he licked his lips again, lust in his eyes. He was hanging lazily against the car chair. To tired to move.

Gillian showed him her arms that were covered in freckles. 'They're going here.' She said as she held her hand in front of him. 'Do you see that Cal?' As she moved her fingers in front of him.

'That's not what I was thinkin' bout really luv..' Cal mumbled disappointed. _He'd rather had her remove her shirt and maybe the rest of her clothing to show him the rest of the freckles he wanted so much to touch and follow. He was sure they would be on her back maybe. But would they be on her breasts too and on other places? How did that work?_

'I know it wasn't Cal.' She whispered in his ear as she placed her hand in his side seductively.

'OUUUUUUUUUUUUCH.' Cal suddenly blurted out as he looked at her in slight shock. 'Did you jusssszzzt pinch me?' He asked confused. _Why would she do such a thing?_

'If you mention my freckles again I'm going to really hurt you. Understood?' She threatened him sternly.

The door slammed shut as she walked around the car to get him out.

'An' there I thought you looked so innocent with them-' Cal remembered her threat. '-Spots on your face and maybe on your brea-'

'-Out!' Gillian barked before he could finish his lazy sentence.

He pointed at her face and then at her breasts. And Gillian took the opportunity to drag him out on his pointing hand.

'Oy!' He protested. 'A bit with love yeah?'

'There's no love around right now.' Gillian snapped as she pushed Cal into her car and shut the car door.

'Really?' He mumbled sadly.

'I'm angry, I'm tired as hell, my back hurts, I smell like you-'

'Is a nice smell…'

'Its smoke and beer… And vomit maybe? I need a very long bath to get that out and I need to sleep.'

'And still you look beautiful.' He mumbled as he hugged her close to him proudly.

'Yes… You'll think otherwise about that in the morning…' She pondered as she loosened herself from his grip and took one of his arms to support him. 'To the house now.'

'I wanne make love to you.' Cal slurred.

'Not now. Let's get you inside.' Gillian answered as she had a hard time keeping Cal from landing on the ground.

'When then?' Cal slurred.

Gillian felt the heat rising to her face again. _Did she just say 'not now?' What was wrong with her?_

'You're drunk Cal.' She quickly said as they walked up to her door.

'This ain't my home.' Cal suddenly remembered as he studied Gillian's front door.

'This is **my** home.' She decided against getting him in his home when she had looked at the dark house in front of her. It was weekend and she didn't want him to be alone tomorrow when he felt sick. But because she wanted to be with her own stuff she decided to get him to her home. She was surprised he even noticed.

 **Next day**

Gillian screamed shortly in shock when her door suddenly opened and Cal hung against the doorway with a big towel against his head in one hand.

Cal squinted his eyes in pain at the loud noise of her shocked outburst.

Gillian swallowed as she turned around towards him in her blue bottom and white lace tank top.

'Sorry.' Cal mumbled softly. 'Didn't know you were up here. I called your name a few times.' He said as he looked with one eye at Gillian.

'That's okay. I forgot to lock the door.' _Thank god she hadn't been naked. She just took a shower…_

'I should have come a minute earlier then.' Cal said as he eyed her wet hair. 'My timin's always off somehow.' He said dissapointed. _His head was killing him._

'How's your head?' Gillian asked as she turned away from him and looked in the mirror again in front of her to put down her toothbrush.

'Oy, what's that?' Cal asked alarmed as he shuffled towards her and looked at the dark angry spot on her upper back.

'What?' Gillian asked as she turned her back towards the mirror and rotated her head as far as possible to see what Cal meant.

There was a dark angry bruise on her upper back with a bit of swelling. 'O, nothing.' She mumbled as she walked towards her towel to put on her robe over her pj's.

'What got you bruised all up like that?' Cal asked curious.

'I fell.' Gillian mumbled as she shrugged. And that wasn't even a lie. 'Did you drink the water bottle I put on the table for you?'

'No. Not thirsty…' Cal mumbled as he adjusted the ice against his head. The towel still covered one of his eyes. 'It's horrible.' He grunted as he landed himself on the closed toilet.

'Yes.' Gillian smirked. 'I can imagine. That's what happens when you drink bottles of beer and lose count.'

She took her washcloth and placed it next to the radiator.

'Why did you?' She asked after a moment as she straightened herself.

Cal looked up at her. She almost had to laugh because the towel seemed to move first and then one of his eyes glared up at her.

'What do you think.' He snapped chagrined as he squinted his eyes again in pain. _Talking too loud hurt._

Gillian shook her head as she crossed her arms in front of her and went to sit on the side of the bath tub. 'I'm asking you so you can tell me.' She said softly as she shrugged. _She was tired of fighting. It hurt._

He stared at the freckles on her face. She wasn't wearing any make up. Sometimes she made the freckles disappear with her make up. But he liked her more like she was now. He found it sweet and endearing. He loved her freckles.

'Cal?' Her sweet tone came up in the back of his mind.

He looked from her neckline back up to her blue eyes. 'What?'

'I've never seen you this drunk.' She shook her head as her eyes showed worry and searched his body and face. 'What happened?'

 _And she should know._ He thought feeling guilty _. She was the one who had dragged him out of bars and cafes after the break up with Zoe. She was the one that was always there. Even when he fought her like hell. Pushed her away. She still was there, caring for him. At least… that was why he was in her home now_ he thought _. She hadn't dumped him into his own hallway and had left. He had woken up twenty minutes ago on her soft couch with blankets over him and a cushion under his head. A bottle of water on the table and a glass of juice. And some dry biscuits._

He shook his head as he read her. _She really was clueless. She wasn't faking that. He could read that right of her pretty innocent face. Well... Innocent most of the time..._

'Was I the only one in that fight yesterday?' He asked as he pointed between them. 'Cuz I remember you bein' there too.'

Gillian's mouth opened a bit as realization seemed to dawn on her. 'I know and I was there. I just didn't think… What was so different about this time? We had….' She looked at the ground and swallowed her sadness away. When she looked up he could see her eyes shine from unshed tears. 'We had worse fights like this these last couple of months. Or maybe they were just worse or awful for me?' She asked as she shook her head and looked away. 'I didn't think it had anything to do with this 'fight' yesterday.' She stood up as she avoided his gaze. _She should buy new toilet rolls,_ she thought as she saw there was only one left.

She turned on her bare feet towards him as she closed her robe further as if that comforted her.

'Why let yourself go like this now?' _Did he finally realize how he had hurt her?_

Cal shook his head slowly. 'And you say **I** am daft? You're the shrink here.' He snapped as he stood up and had to steady himself immediately against the wall.

Gillian stepped forward instantly with her hands outstretched to help him.

'Why do you do that?' He asked as he felt her hand on his elbow to steady him. He looked at it. That long slender wrist. The blank porcelain looking skin.

Her blue eyes looked up from his arm to his eyes with a question in it.

'This… Why am I here?' He snapped as he let go of the ice bag against his head.

'You didn't cooperate very well. I barely got you out of the café.' She explained. 'That tall barman had to help. I guess you don't remember that.' Gillian answered as she took a step back and looked at the red spot on his forehead from where the ice had been.

He shook his head as he got a glare in his eyes. _One she knew all too well. One she didn't like._

Cal walked towards her with determination. 'I hurt you. That's what you said... Why take me here? To your home? Why even come for me?'

Her eyes scanned his face. She tried to read him quickly. 'Your friend Wheels called me. He had no one else to call I think…'

His eyes narrowed as he tried to read her in turn. _But he couldn't. She had put up her wall._ He didn't have to look up at her because she was on her bare feet. No heels this time. 'You didn't have to come.'

'And leave you in the gutter?' She asked as her eyes flew over his face again, trying to pick something up from his facial expressions.

'I can handle myself you know.' He said as he began to walk in on her and she began to step back.

Gillian blurted out a sarcastic sound at that. 'Really Cal? You should have seen yourself. You couldn't even stand on your feet.' Her lips flinched ever so quickly. But he'd caught it. _Anger._

'You think I've never had drunken nights without you around?!' Cal snapped. _He could take care of himself. Didn't need her mother Goosing all over him. Not out of pity. He didn't need pity._

'What is this about Cal?'

'It's about-' He said in a whole different tone now as he gestured around him. 'You explaining to me why I'm here… In _your_ house cuz I got drunk as hell. What are you even still doing with me?!'

She narrowed her eyes in anger now. 'What are you talking about?'

Cal dropped the ice and the towel on the floor now.

'I'm talkin' 'bout you rejecting me. Yesterday, right in my face.' His eyes flashed over her face.

'Don't read me Cal.' Gillian warned.

'Yeah use your words.' Cal repeated angrily. 'I used my words and you left.' He snapped as he shook his head and looked away to push his pain away.

Gillian shook her head confused and angrily. She had the idea that he was blaming her for something again. Something she didn't know of.

'Is this still about the sexual adhd thing?' She asked as she rummaged through her mind and the many things that had happened days before.

Cal laughed fruitlessly as he bared his teeth at her. 'I'll spell it out for you then: I told you I loved you, and you ran off. I was joking right? Had to be?' He said as he eyed her angrily.

'What?!' She snapped at him furiously. Blue eyes shooting dangerously at him now.

'That's what this is about?! Did you lose your mind fully now?!' She bit at him with venom.

Cal knew it wasn't the case: but it seemed like she was growing, getting taller, hovering above him while she wasn't even on her heels.

'This is why you go and drink your head off?!' She snapped as she began to walk in on him now. _She almost seemed ready to tear him apart. She didn't want to see him so messed up. And sick afterwards. She knew he didn't take care of himself. And he didn't think about where he could end up, besides in the gutter. It was like he didn't care about himself anymore when he was like that._

'You could have let me down gently.' Cal grunted as he took a small step back now. _He'd never do that but the bathroom was small. And he had a headache already. And he hadn't expected this outburst from her._

'I didn't even let you down!' Gillian snapped as she shook her head angrily. 'So this was what Wheels was talking about?'

Cal frowned his brows. 'Ey?' He didn't remember much of yesterday.

Gillian turned away from him.

'So you gonna walk away again?!' Cal snapped tiredly.

'O I have to.' Gillian bended to grab the ice pack from the ground and the towel and slammed it into his chest. 'Because I want to slap you really hard right now… And that's not who I am!'

'Put the ice on your head!' She ordered as she turned away towards the door and then turned around again.

'Of course I thought you were joking! What were you thinking? I was angry and hurt. You were lashing out and THEN you say something like that? How am I to know what you mean Cal?' She frowned her brows angrily at him. 'Tomorrow you insult me, then you flirt with me, then you lash out, then you flirt again. How am I supposed to know what you mean anymore? And then you tell me I turned you down? You didn't even give me the chance to react!' She snapped at him. She took a step back. And took a deep breath. _She was losing her temper again. For the second time this week. And she hated that._

'You're one to say with your bloody line.' Cal said as he eyed her. He looked at the deep frown between her brows. _That one didn't show up a lot of times, but when it did: it was deep. And angry._

'What do you think the line is for Cal?' She shook her head again as she got a pained look on her face. 'I care deeply about you. You're very important to me.' She said as she put her hand on her chest over her heart. 'But I also have to protect myself.'

Cal clenched his teeth involuntarily. _This was exactly what he was afraid of. That he would poison her. Pull her down into his black world. Yeah, and she knew it right? She had to protect herself from not bein' pulled down with him. That's what she just said. Why else did she have to protect herself?_

'If I sleep with you, then what?' She shook her head again. She bit her lip.

'What?' He prodded. She looked up at him. His heart ached when he saw how vulnerable she looked. She narrowed her eyes.

'I never understood Cal… Not really… What you did when I was with Burns. Or with any other man. I hated it. You interrupted it. All the annoying things you did. Was it jealousy? Is it because you care about me? I know that you're attracted to me. But you're attracted to a lot of woman. Am I some sort of trophy you just have to get? When you've got me and had me I won't be interesting enough anymore? You'll just put me aside like you were doing these last months? And then I'll lose you? Or was it because you just wanted me so they couldn't?'

'What?!' He snapped angrily as he took a step towards her. 'How could you say that!' This was one of the biggest insults she could _ever_ throw at him.

'How could I say that?!' She repeated angrily. 'You make it clear many times how you see me in 'your' company. Or was it 'our' company? It's your name on the wall right? And you flaunt woman in front of me all the time. You have your fun with them and then dump them.'

'Yeah cuz I love sex. Nothing wrong with that!' Cal snapped in defence.

'You could have sex with the same person more often you know. So that it actually means something.' _Why was she saying this? She knew that he probably knew that very well. He had been married with Zoe. She'd seen how broken he had been after they divorced._

'Don't you understand? What will I be to you if I let you step over that line?' Her eyes looked pleadingly at him. 'Will you just… Drop me? When I'm not good enough? Or when you had enough?' She said softly. _And will I lose everything?_

He just stood there. Staring at her _. The great Cal Lightman seemed to be at a loss for words. The first time she could ever remember…_

'Does this surprise you Cal? Really? I can read you too you know!' She snapped.

 _To his double surprise she could read him indeed. Sometimes. Too many times._

'I wanted them to be good enough for you. I didn't want you to get hurt again, like with Alec..' Cal admitted softly. _Meaning all the men that had tried something with her, or had actually been in a relationship with her._

'But **you** get to hurt me?' Gillian asked softly. Her voice broke at the word 'me'.

 _Bulls-eye. Right at him._ Cal took a step back and his lip twitched. _Leave me alone_. 'My headache is killin' me. I need rest.'

'What are you angry about?' Gillian asked reading it right off of him.

'Nothin' for you to worry 'bout.' _Angry with himself. How could he have ever thought that he was good enough for her? Better then Alec? Better then Burns or who the ever hell walked behind her? He'd hurt her maybe more than they had ever done._

'I know you like to push me away.. And if you need that… Okay… I just don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose our friendship. I told you how important you are to me.' Gillian said to his back in a softer tone. _Maybe getting that line back up was a better idea then this. Maybe staying friends and keeping away from that danger zone was much better indeed._

'So that's what you think of me? You think I'm not able to love for the long time. Is that your psychological opinion or your opinion as a friend or business partner?

'I didn't say it like that. Maybe we should… Both get some rest. We're just-'

'I want you. I've always wanted you. I don't care how. If it's upside down, inside out. I want you in the worst possible way.' He said. Just like he had told Burns in that heated moment when she was standing right beside him. _O, how he hated Burns. Cuz he had what he hadn't. He was in a romantic relationship with the woman he longed for so long._ 'I don't just want your body. I want your head too. I want everything about you. That's how it's always been.'

He shook his head. 'But maybe you're right. You're the shrink right? I'm the guy who ruins things. I'm the guy who sleeps around, plays around. I'm not to be trusted yeah? I'm pulling you down. That's what. I never wanted that.' He took a step back now, away from her until he felt the sink pushing against his lower back. 'I want what's best for you. I want you to be happy.' He swallowed. _He couldn't promise her what she deserved._ 'I'm not the clean type of guy that you need.'

Gillian sighed and closed her eyes momentarily. 'There's the clean thing again.' She said tiredly. She knew that he tended to self-destruct.

'Just go and rest now okay? I'm going to sleep too. I can't think straight anymore.' Gillian said tiredly.

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And? What did you think? I'm still working on different versions how this is going further and how it's going to end... Quite difficult... I can understand how they keep each other at a distance for their own reasons... But how to get them close? Heheheh... I'll think of something hopefully...

Have a nice day! xxx


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for your reviews! Love them.

It took me a while to decide which version and which chapter too choose next. I have so many small ideas, but want to try to keep it in character too.. Soo difficult!

Hope you enjoy!

 **Chapter 6**

Gillian walked towards her guest room to make the bed. She couldn't yesterday because getting drunk-Cal upstairs was a challenge she didn't think she'd be able to get through without breaking something herself.

She walked back to the bathroom only a minute later. 'Cal?' she asked sweetly as she opened the door softly. Worry flooded her stomach as she saw that he was slumping backwards on the toilet pot with the towel against his head and the ice packed in there. He didn't look comfortable at all.

'Do you want to stay in the guest room? I can make the bed?' Gillian offered in her sweet voice as she studied his posture.

Cal opened his eyes and looked at her. 'Where'll you be?' He asked in a low tone.

'Downstairs most of the time.. Probably. I'll come and check on you.' She squinted her eyes at that, bracing herself for a 'mothering, smothering'-remark. _Her heart just went out to him. She didn't want him to be in pain. That's what triggered her caring-instincts so strongly when it was about Cal._

'Couch is fine.' He mumbled. _He wanted to be close to her. If she was downstairs most of the time, he wanted to be too._

'Won't your neck hurt from lying on the couch?' She asked caringly as she walked towards him. 'The bed will be more comfy maybe and-'

'-Couch.. Fine..' He mumbled in pain.

'Can I… Help you up…' She asked as she wanted to grab his elbow to support him but didn't dare.

'I'll manage.' He grumbled as he straightened himself awkwardly and with trouble.

'Okay, so the couch then. Where you warm enough?' She inquired. 'I could get some more blankets.'

''s okay. I'm not cold pretty quickly.' Cal mumbled. _Had his headache gotten worse? Not to mention the sour taste in his mouth. He felt like crap. Probably smelled like crap too…_ Suddenly something warm enveloped him _._ Before he knew it Gillian had crushed him hard against her body, her arms enveloping him as if she was holding on to him for dear life. The towel with the ice pack fell out of his hand again and he slowly used his free hand to put it on her back. _Hadn't expected that of her…_

 _Gillian wanted him close. Always. She couldn't bear the thought of not having him close._ After a long while she began to loosen her arms from his body slowly but kept standing close. He felt her fingers caressing his stubble. She avoided eye contact. Her blue beautiful eyes focused on his cheek. She bended forward and kissed his cheek lovingly. Her hand moved over his head into his hair to caress him. He loved the warmth that spread through him when she touched him. And the soft soothing feeling she gave him. All he could do was stand still. He was afraid it would dissapear once he'd move, or say something. He wanted to revell in her touch, get lost in it.  
When her lips left his cheek she seemed to miss the contact and kissed his cheek again. Her warm soft lips felt like silk against his skin. His breathing stopped at that. Her lips disappeared as quickly as they had touched him and she wiped the kiss away from his cheek. _Like she always did for some reason. Probably to not smudge her lipstick on him,_ he always thought _._ _But she wasn't wearing lipstick now. He should stop her next time from wiping the kiss away. And although he liked the caress of her fingers on his cheek; he wanted the place she had touched with those lips of hers untouched for as long as possible, so he could still feel the tingling of the skin-contact she had made on his cheek minutes after._ A smile played around her lips.

 _Was this a goodbye? Or a 'we're-not-going-over-the-line-anymore' or a promise of more? Cal was too tired and pained to think deeper about this so he just limply stood by while feelings shot through his body and made him crazy. He couldn't take this anymore. He couldn't bear the thought of losing her. Of not having her close. It was sooo immensily strong. But at the same time, as he looked at her face. Her beautiful innocent looking face, with the blue eyes that stood tired now and beat, all he could do was think about how he would ruin her._ _Anger began to swell up in him. He didn't want to, but it was like it just did. He couldn't stop it._

'I smell.' He apologized slowly.

'I know.' He heard her say.

'Don't always smell ya know..' He offered, feeling a bit afraid of putting her off with his unwashed, smelly state.

'I know.' She told him in a soft tone, he could hear the smile in it. 'You're a fool, you know that?' She asked.

'Nothin' new there.' Cal mumbled as he eyed her tiredly.

Gillian looked down at the ice packet and grabbed it from the floor. 'It's warm.'

'Yeah, I kind of noticed.'

'I sent Emily an app that you're here.'

'Thanks.' He mumbled lovingly. He eyed the towel and ice packet. 'You gonne slam that into me again? Might change my stand then.' He quipped slowly as he spread his feet to give his body more balance as to brace himself for the impact.

She smirked as she grabbed his arm. 'Let's get you to the couch. Don't want to hear another sound out of you. You're going to rest now.' She ordered sweetly.

Warmth spread through him again. A sort of peaceful feeling. _Are those the feelings Alec might have felt with her? And Burns? Among other feelings ofcourse..._

 _"But **you** get to hurt me?"_ Her voice rang through his head. _He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve her. She's too sweet. Too breakable. Too vulnerable. Too sensitive. Too innocent. Too pure._ He inhaled as he felt her arm slip around his waist to help him towards the stairs. _Her body against his felt so good that he wanted to dissapear inside of her, against her, whenever possible. It hurt. It hurt so much. Because he knew that could never be._

 ** _She deserved better._**

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Hmmm... I had some long sentences in there, didn't know how to write them down otherwise. Hope they were 'readable'.

Would love to know your thoughts/ comments. Have a nice day!


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks so much for your reviews! Also from the guests I couldn't reply too... I love hearing from you.**

 **Chapter 7**

Gillian yawned as she crawled out of her bed. It was still Sunday morning. At least she had gotten a 90 minute rest from the long night with Cal. _And that hadn't been a night she'd fantasized about…_ She opened her door and made her way downstairs to see how Cal was doing. _Maybe his headache had become less if he'd rested._

'So, you want them sweet…' Cal mumbled as Gillian came down the stairs.

She narrowed her eyes as she saw how Cal was lying on her couch with a glass of whiskey in his hand.

'Your men.' He mentioned. Like she had been in the room all along. Like they were having a conversation in his mind before she even came here in real life.

'What… Are you doing?' She asked surprised and slowly as she looked at the bottle of whiskey on her table.

'Or MAN… You would never take more than two at the time would you?' He asked as he took a swig of the glass and ignored her questioning look and questions.

Gillian's mouth fell open. 'Are you drinking?' She asked with anger in her tone and astonishment. She felt her good mood fall instantly.

Cal looked at the glass in his hands and then looked back up at her. 'Seems like it.' He gave her a cold, steely look.

'After all you've went through tonight?' She asked incredulous. _She felt a lump forming in her throat._

'You mean after all _you_ went through tonight?' He asked as he eyed her up and down.

 _Gillian knew that tone of his. That look. He was pushing her. She could read it right off his face. Of the cocky state he was in. And he was drunk. Again. Although he probably acted more drunk then he was. She didn't know why._

'Alcohol helps with the headache.'

'Yes. The downside is that you have to drink it every day for that….' _She felt angry. But she wouldn't show that anymore to him. Although he could probably read it off her face._ 'What are you doing?' Gillian asked as she shook her head tiredly.

'Nothin'. What does it look like?' He stated lazily as he eyed her up and down.

Gillian studied him. 'It looks like you're wallowing in self-pity. Or drinking your feelings away.' She said in a stern, confronting tone as she eyed him too with a cold gaze. As cold as she could muster. _Yes she was angry. But she was also worried. She knew what his self-destructing side could do. How he could hurt himself. And how good he was at lashing out._

'O yeah? And which feelings might that be?' Cal dared interested with a sarcastic undertone in his voice as he was suddenly standing close to her after getting up quickly.

 _Not that drunk after all._ Gillian concluded as she saw his still controlled movements.

'I'm not going to play this game that you're trying to start. You're just searching for a reason to lash out and push me away.' She said as she tilted her chin defiantly as her eyes were trying to read him.

'Ahhh… There's the shrink. And it was just getting interesting.' He said mockingly as he invaded her space and his eyes went from her left eye to her right eye.

'What is this Cal? Why are you lashing out?'

'Why don't you tell me.' He answered as he stared coldly at her.

Gillian sighed. 'Self-pity?' She asked in a professional tone as if she was talking to a patient.

'What else have you got?' Cal asked as he walked back and filled his glass with more whiskey.

'Well… I was wrong.' Gillian concluded as she watched his every move. 'It's not self-pity, is it?' She asked as she crossed her arms in front of her chest and read his face. 'It's self-hate. Disgust even.' She swallowed as she saw a flash of anger on his face. _He didn't like that she could read him like that._ _But she knew him. She knew him better then he probably gave her credit for._

'Yeah? What else are you reading off me?' He said with an angry undertone as he took a few steps towards her and was invading her space again.

She took a step back. 'You're pushing.' She warned him. _She tried to shield herself for him. She tried to put up her walls, to not get hurt._

'I'm not pushing.' He said as he stepped towards her again. 'You're the one stepping back.' He noted.

Gillian put her hand on his chest and pushed him back slowly out of her personal space. 'Don't put your shit on me Cal. Don't do this. Go and get your anger out another way.' Gillian warned in a calm tone. 'Please, just go and rest. Don't…' _Self-destruct,_ she wanted to say. _But did he even listen to her when he was in a mood like this? He never did… She couldn't stop him… Yes, she was there to pick up the pieces, but she could never prevent the awful things from happening in the first place._

'I just don't feel like it.' Cal said bluntly as he looked her right in her eyes. Pushing her even more.

'You're acting like a petulant child.' Gillian said honestly. 'You don't get what you want and then you self-destruct? Is that the way you want to go again? Because it's making me tired. Really tired.'

'Then leave me alone.'

'We already had this conversation. Maybe if you'd stopped drinking I wouldn't have to repeat myself.' She suddenly snapped impatiently. She read him. 'Just man up.' She snapped as she bared her teeth at him. _She hated that side of him. She hated it because she couldn't go up against it. She had done it so often and she never won. He only came out hurt. And she didn't want him hurt._

'You're not a child anymore. You-'

'-What did you say?' He asked in a slow and dangerously low voice. It was almost an angry whisper.

 _She realized that she'd been playing his game anyway, while she didn't want that. And that now she'd given him something; the thing he'd been searching for since she had come down the stairs. The thing was… She never knew what that thing was that he could hold onto, to lash out._

 _You know that feeling you get, when something just happened: in a matter of seconds; it was something you did or said, and it felt like a breaking point, it felt like your heart froze over and your body followed in only a second, it was as if time stood still and you braced yourself for the consequences of that one action you just did? That's how she felt right now._ Her mouth fell open slightly and her breathing had almost stopped.

'I think you heard me.' Gillian said as she took a step towards him this time. Their noses were almost touching _. She could count her own heartbeat from the fear she was feeling inside. She knew that he'd never physically hurt her. But words hurt too… Maybe just as much. Or maybe even more?_

'I said-' She began slowly as she bared her teeth and grabbed the glass out of his hand and put it down with a loud cling on the table. '-Man up.' She snapped. _She'd put some distance between them and was happy with that. She had used the excuse of putting the glass away._

'Yes, I'll take that advice.' He suddenly said lightly. 'Finally some good advice out of you.' He mumbled quickly as he was in no time in her space again.

Her mouth fell open in surprise as Cal grabbed her tank top and pulled her flush against him in less than a second. Before she even registered what was happening his lips crushed hard against hers and he kissed her hard and aggressively and then let go of her. She almost lost her balance when he let go of her so suddenly and roughly. Gillian was so shocked and flushed that all she could do was stare at him. His hand wiped off his lips as he eyed her angrily. It was like her mind had stopped thinking and all she could feel was things she didn't want to allow right now because she was angry with him.

'Was that enough manning up for you?' Cal snapped. 'Or should I shag you on the floor right here?' He dared her. _He was sure that would shock her. Make that pretty red flush come up from her neck, and travel towards her cheeks. Make her shy. And vulnerable._

Gillian narrowed her eyes. _He'd never pushed it that far. She knew what he was doing. She recognized the pattern he was following:_ _He wanted to shock her. Also to push her away. She knew he thought that she was innocent and clean. But she wasn't shocked that easily._

'Really Cal?' She said with a mocking smile as she steadied herself inwardly. 'Is that all that you have in you?' She asked as she took a small step towards him. 'Just an aggressive kiss like that?' Her eyes flew to his eyes and to his lips as she shrugged carelessly. 'That's all you can do, isn't it?' her eyes went to his lips. 'That's all you have to offer, isn't it?' Her eyes went from his lips to his eyes.

'Because you're afraid.' She confronted him and she knew she was on vulnerable ground now. Very vulnerable ground. But she was fed up with his behavior and now he could get her opinion right in his face. _She'd had enough._

'Careful Gillian.' Cal hissed warningly. 'Watch what you're saying.' _He'd just was about to show her what he had in him, and what he could do to her and with her, if she didn't stop daring him._

'Kiss me again. But then with passion. In a sweet way.' She said.

He made no effort to hide his anger now. 'I won't stop if you're offerin'' He lied in a dangerous tone to get her to back down.

Before he could push away his feelings she saw surprise. And there it was: fear. He looked at her lips then at her eyes. _He hadn't expected that_. And she knew it. For the first time in many months Cal Lightman was taken aback. _She'd had many opportunities before to get back at him. But she never had. It had never been her intention. But now, he deserved it_. She thought.

'Come on Cal. With passion. You said you love me. Why don't you show me?' She dared him in a sultry voice as she moved closer to him. She could still hear her heart pounding in her throat and she couldn't breathe very well. _By god she was taking a risk. Because if he would she'd be afraid too… But she was for 90 per cent sure that he wouldn't, because he couldn't, and she was counting on that…_

 _O! He would! He would kiss her senseless. Because that's what he always wanted to do. Show her how he cared, show her how he loved her, how he wanted her so bad._ Cal's lip twitched and he wanted to move his feet to step towards her and close the gap. He'd kiss her breathless. His throat constricted and became dry. He couldn't breathe no more. He heard his heart thudding hard all of sudden.

'Why don't you?' Gillian pushed him daringly as her eyes fired something defiant at him when he didn't move for half a minute, it seemed like half an hour.

 _She was daring still daring him. She had managed to turn the rolls around. He was well aware of that._ His legs started to tremble. She had him trembling like a sad mess or bloody puddle right in front of her. The man that took on criminals, stood in front of a gun to protect her; turned into nothing when it came down to being really intimate with Gillian Foster. The fear of rejection was just too awful to bear for him. _Ow, how he had fantasized about this moment, when she would finally let him kiss her. And now, when the moment was finally there after all these years, it was like he was frozen, couldn't move._

'You can't, can you?' Gillian concluded in a flat professional sounding voice. 'You can't push me on that floor and 'shag' me as you call it, or make love to me even.' She said as she pointed at the floor with her finger. _She felt save enough now to dare him on all the things he'd just thrown at her in a futile effort to shock her._ 'It would be too close for you... Too real.' She whispered sadly as she stared at him. _She thought of all the woman he'd flirted with and he'd slept with. Ow, how easy that had gone for him. It made more anger rush through her._ 'I was right all along wasn't I?' She asked angrily.

She saw a question in his eyes.

'You can only fuck or shag, can you?' Gillian stated. _She instantly regretted those words. They were mean. And probably not true. She knew he was a man of passion. She knew he could love, probably very deeply. He just didn't show it. Not often. This wasn't honest of her. She'd done it on purpose. To get back at him. And she felt ashamed at that instantly as she took a small step back to give him space. Funny wasn't it? She'd let him hurt her and push her, but the moment she did it back –which she probably was very good at if she wanted too- she regretted it instantly. She was just too damn sweet. Wasn't that what he'd said before? That she was too sweet for him. Was this what he had meant? Zoe would have probably screamed or slapped. That was something he was probably used too._ She swallowed _. While she realised again that she just said something like that to her friend._

Cal couldn't keep it in anymore and stepped back. He uttered an angry groan as he slammed his fist against the wall while he went for her door.

'Cal!' She called after him in shock. _Great. Now she had done it._ 'Cal! Stop!' Gillian screamed when she followed him quickly through her opened door. _She wanted to say that she was sorry. She'd pushed him too far. Because for all of the pushing he ever did. She knew exactly how to push his buttons. But she never did. She cared about him. So much._

'Cal! Wait!' She called but he was meters away already. And her foot hurt as she stepped on something sharp.

Pain spread through her chest and feelings of guilt spread through her as she wiped a small stone away from the skin under her foot.

'Cal!' She shouted after his disappearing figure. 'You don't have your car!' _Maybe that would make him stop and turn around?_

Two elderly people stopped walking and stared at her and her pajamas. The woman made an annoyed sound. 'The way this neighborhood is going down…' She said negatively.

Gillian sighed annoyed and sad. 'Great.' _To be scolded by two elderly persons. It's not like she was screaming in her pj's every week._ She walked back to her door. 'O no…. No no no no…' She begged with wide eyes as she saw that her door was closed. She pushed at it hard but the door didn't butch. She blurted out a frustrated and hurt moan as she let her body fall against the hard wood. And she had NO key. She sighed and shuddered. Tears welled up in her eyes as she lowered herself on her front step slowly. She buried her face in her hands. Her hair falling in front of her face.

 _Gillian knew exactly how this worked with him. That's why she had been there for him every time. Although he sometimes treated her badly and lashed out at her. He was a good man. He was one of the sweet men. He didn't show it. That was the problem. He had made this rough exterior. And it wasn't to seem strong or look cool. It was to keep people away. Out of fear. For self-protection. It was safer that way wasn't it? At least… That was what he probably thought…_

 _And how else could he? In ways she could see the child in him. The boy that had been hurt, hit and had been in danger every day as a child. It's something children took with them. It didn't go away through-out the years._ Gillian didn't believe that. _Children survived by learning themselves patterns. And when they grew up into adults, they still had those patterns. But the patterns would only suffocate them now and bring trouble. They wouldn't help anymore._ Cal had _taught himself to push._ _Push away, that is safer then to get hurt and be pushed away. But that way, no one ever came close. Not really close._

 _And she knew a few of her own patterns too; If he would have kissed her in a sweet way, just like she had told him too, she'd be afraid. Well, she already was afraid moments ago. But if he'd done what she had told him too, she'd probably stand trembling on her legs. She too was afraid to lose something good. Better hold on to what you have then lose it. Better hold on to safety then to take a leap into the unknown where so many bad things could happen. She was the thinker. He was the do-er._

 _She thought things through. He acted on impulse. He riled people up, she calmed them down. He called her clean, and probably saw himself as unclean._

 _Maybe this was for the best. Keep him away. Not over the line. She had made the line for reasons. But then she remembered the feeling that came up when he had grabbed her and kissed her hard. So hard and aggressive that it had almost hurt. So cold… She didn't like cold. Not really. She could like hard; yes of course she could like that sometimes. Variation was good. But why hadn't it felt bad? It hadn't felt so bad at all.. She didn't like COLD. Not at all. Cold and distant. And still… It hadn't felt bad. How was that possible? It had felt- Yes, she was shocked. Because he had never crossed that line. Sometimes she had wanted him to, but not now. Not in the angry state he was. But he did. And she…_ She swallowed… _She…. She didn't want to even think it…. She had enjoyed it._ She closed her eyes in denial. Her tears were dry on her cheeks now.

 _There… There it was. The nagging voice she didn't want to listen to had enjoyed it. Of course she was attracted to him._ _She loved his rough power, his intelligence, he was funny and original. He knew her, could read her –to her dismay many times-, she loved feeling him against her. Hugging him. Touching him. She hated it when other woman got to touch him like that. And even more, in ways she never had. They slept with him. She'd never go over that line. And still, she hated them. Wallowski. How easy it was for her to sleep with him. How easily he slept with them. It never once came up in him to… To see her? To try something with her?_ Her throat became dry.

" **I couldn't even get near you when you were on the rebound."** He had once said. _Had that been a game to him? Fun? Or had he meant it serious?_

" **Maybe you didn't try hard enough."** She had answered. _Had she meant that? Really? Or was it just something to push him away. But to keep the door open just a bit… Just a little bit… To not fully push him away?_

 _But what about the times that they were both single? He didn't even look at her then. When they were in Vegas. With Poppy. All he did was push her away. Yes, it had hurt. But she hadn't admitted that to him. Or to herself. Of course not. She was professional. She had her line. It wasn't only way to keep him in check and to protect herself. It was to keep herself in check too. Because sometimes… She just wanted to grab him and kiss him senseless. Rip his clothes off and do all sorts of things to him and with him. And not just sweet, but also rough and hard. She was a touchy feely woman. That didn't only go as far as her caring part, and the cuddling. When she was with a man she wanted to feel everything, wanted to try everything. Probably not so innocent and clean as Cal told her she was. She hated that he underestimated her so many times. That he didn't see her for what she really could do, or for what she really was. Maybe that was his way of keeping distance too?_

Gillian touched her lips. _She remembered his fist colliding with the wall. She had pushed him too far. She should have known better,_ she thought as she moved her finger over the concrete of her porch. _She didn't know what else there was to say. He needed to cool off probably. But she felt so worried. They'd never had such an intense falling out as now._ It made the pit of her stomach grow as cold as ice. Fresh tears watered her eyes again.

She jerked her head back when something white was suddenly almost touching her face, so close.

'Here you are sweety.' An old voice came.

Gillian looked up and got the white cup with something hot pushed in her hand now.

'I was just making myself tea and saw you in front of your home.' The elderly woman that lived next to her for half a year now, said as she sat herself down next to Gillian with a groan.

'Drink your tea. It'll do you good.' She said as Gillian stared in the hot steaming mug.

Gillian felt ashamed. _She didn't want anyone to see her like this. Not to mention that she was still almost wearing nothing. She felt utterly vulnerable. And also quite stupid at the moment._

'So he just ran off yes?' Martha asked and then sighed deep. 'Oh well… And there I was hoping for a spectacular romantic view right in front of my kitchen window.' Her old face grinned sweetly as she looked at Gillian. 'You kissing that young lad and making up.' Martha explained when she looked at Gillian's sad face.

Martha shook her head as she studied the younger woman next to her. 'But here you are.. Crying and sad, and in your pj's with bare feet and no key.'

'O no, we're not…' Gillian tried to form her come back but her voice sounded weak and groggy from the crying. 'It's not like that.' She explained quickly in a more steady voice now as she looked at the white hair of Martha. She had tied her beautiful white hair neatly in a bun. And her eyes were brown and warm.

 _Gillian didn't want to talk to her right now (or to anyone), or drink tea outside in her pajamas with no key, but somehow, it felt good to not have a conversation with herself in her head for just a few moments…_

'No, not today obviously..' Martha sighed disappointed. 'I heard you fight.' Martha explained.

Gillian looked up at her in shock. _She hadn't heard everything had she? Had they been_ _ **that**_ _loud?_ A blush crept up her cheeks.

'Now now, calm down. I'm an old lady but I don't eavesdrop. But I'm not that deaf yet either. It's hard not to hear you two shouting. He's got a big mouth that one. And British I heard!'

Gillian took a sip of her warm tea. 'Yes, he has got a big mouth.' She agreed.

'O girly, if you only knew how much Herb and I fought in the beginning.' Martha shook her head. 'He was a doctor and I was a nurse. It took us a long time too.' She sighed in thought. 'But then when we finally were together we always made up in the bedroom. Or somewhere else, if you know what I mean..'

'Uhm…' Gillian muttered as she swallowed her tea just too quickly and burned her tongue. _She really didn't want to think or hear about very old people doing that in detail… It was strange: like you really didn't want to hear that from your parents. And she didn't want Martha to think that Cal and she would- It wasn't like that. Yet… Not now, or ever.. Maybe? They wouldn't… He wouldn't…_

'Yes, us 85 year old woman have had sex in our life time too you know.'

Gillian grinned. _Martha could always make her laugh._ 'I know.' She mumbled. She felt the hot mug in her hands warm her a bit.

'If only I had that body of yours, I'd know what to do with it. I'd grab that lad by his hair and pull him back inside of that nice townhouse of yours. I'd have myself a wonderful Sunday afternoon.'

'Martha… It's really not like that.' Gillian said quickly as she shook her head.

'Yes yes….' Martha muttered disappointed again. 'I heard you before. Only a woman like me can use her deafness in a good way: we hear whatever we want to hear.'

Gillian chuckled and shook her head softly.

'Why is it not like that dearie? He's in your home every week. And when you come to borrow me your nice romantic novels you've got a glint in your eyes and you look so happy. I can always see when he's been to your place.'

Gillian felt her neck flush red now too…. _Great._ 'I get that glint too when I do other things, I'm told.' Gillian protested quickly.

'O sweety, that's not the same glint….' Martha said as she shook her head quickly. 'I've seen so many people in my lifetime. So much drama and hurt. You think you've got time while really you don't. Sadly enough, you'll finally see that when you're about my age. And then it might be too late.' Martha turned more towards Gillian and squeezed her upper arm. 'Make sure that it won't be too late for you. That would be awful.' She let go of her arm. 'And sad.' She mumbled.

'We have a company together. He- He lashes out so many times.' Gillian told her as she stared at her toes.

'Yes that's what they do. The troubled ones.' Martha sighed. _As if she understood and knew._ She seemed like a very wise woman.

Gillian looked up at Martha and tried to read her.

'You think I didn't know? I can spot them from a mile away. They're not the superficial guys. They're the deep ones. They'll give their life for you. They know misery and pain, hurt. But they have a good heart. Well, not all of them, sadly enough…. My Herb did. He had a good heart under that big mouth of his. And that mouth got less big the more he got to know me. And your Cal has a big heart like that too. I saw it in his eyes.'

'You saw him?' Gillian asked surprised.

'Yes. One evening, I was out walking my dog and I talked to that nice lad in front of your door. He's a passionate one that one. Full of energy….. And anger.'

'I know. And I know that the anger isn't meant for me most of the time. Not all of it.' Gillian trusted in Martha.

'What would you tell your patients when they were in your shoes?' Martha looked at Gillian's bare feet. 'Or bare feet?'

Gillian smiled as she eyed Martha.

'Right! You would tell them to follow their heart.' Martha said before Gillian had a chance to answer.

'I didn't answer yet..' Gillian said cheekily.

'You listen to me Gillian-dear. They follow **their heart.** So don't follow that head of yours with that big brain in there. God knows that grey mass of yours already gets enough training as it is now. Or overtraining.'

Gillian just stared at her. Deep in thought. A deep frown settled between her brows.

'If I see that deep cringe between your brows getting any deeper I will come and shout at you. Do you hear me young lady?'

'You can't just follow your heart just like that.' Gillian countered.

'Why not?'

Gillian shrugged. 'It get's you hurt.' She said softly as she looked away.

'Oooo girly. You young people. Hurt hurt hurt. You're all afraid of it. And so was I. What about the pleasure and love it'll give you? We always think about the bad things it'll bring. Not about the good ones. Haven't you already seen him at his worst?'

'I don't know. He keeps surprising me I guess.' Gillian answered as she thought about that. _She thought she had…. But who knew? Could it get even worse?_

'Give those new novels you bought to me and go follow your real life romance. At least you can. It's too late for me. No one would be as good as Herb was anyway.' She sighed.

'It's complicated.' Gillian countered tiredly.

'Yes, it always is.' Martha said as she looked at her watch. 'I don't have a lot of time. We old woman are very busy nowadays. You come into my house quickly and eat my cookies. And when you've put some sense into the lad you come and show him to me so we can eat cookies together.' Martha grabbed Gillian's arm and dragged her up. 'But first we'll break into your home.'

'I promise when I ever start a relationship again, I'll come and show him.' Gillian said as she smirked. _There was no getting away from Martha anyway. And she enjoyed her company._

'You do that.' Martha said as she dragged Gillian in her hallway. 'I have my granddaughter coming to see me in just over an hour, so we must hurry… You make sure to give me some real romance to feed off. And I want DETAILS, yes? Because sometimes I'm really bored. And an old woman loves to see some real romance right in front of her with them fresh young people.' Martha said as they came into the kitchen now.

Gillian laughed. 'I don't share details with anyone.' _Martha was so good at making jokes while she acted as if she was serious._

'O, I'll get them out of you. It'll only take a few of these won't it?' Martha said as she offered a batch of chocolate chip cookies.

'Maybe….' Gillian mumbled cheekily. 'I just hope things will go back to normal.'

'What is normal?' Martha questioned wisely.

'You're getting too much out of me. You should come and work with us. You're a star in getting people to tell you what they don't want.' Gillian told her.

'I know sweetie.' Martha said cheekily as she smiled. 'Now you get that ladder and climb over our wall and freshen yourself up now yes?'

'And remember- keep me informed.'

'That's not going to happen.' Gillian reminded her as she grinned. 'But I'll bring you my new novel when I've finished it.

'You do that sweetie. You do that.'

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Hope you liked it. I know... They are still fighting... But I think it wouldn't be that easy in the tv show either... There are so many issues and fears between them... What did you think? I just wanted someone to be there for Gillian. We always saw Emily for Cal, so I made Martha for Gillian. :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi Everyone! Thanks for your reviews. I hope I didn't write anything down double in this chapter. Because it took so long: Here's an extra long chapter! I almost have the story finished on my computer. I think it'll be about 3 chapters more to come.. I promise it won't JUST be fighting anymore...**

So I was wondering a few things, maybe you fellow Lie to me Lovers will want to share your view/ opinion on it? I was watching the show and wondered:

1\. What did Cal mean with the cat and mouse thing? Why did he do that? Was it to push Gillian away? But why? He did let her in on 'his bird' and that she was using him. He looked really mean at her when he pushed. I don't understand this very much... Was it some sort of dominant thing? Like I AM the master or boss? And he wanted her to know that.

2\. Why isn't Gillian more assertive towards him? For example with the cats and mouse remark he did. I made up in my stories that she knows him and knows why she does it. But when someone is that mean, why not tell him? And be assertive? Or is she too soft maybe?

Love to hear your thoughts!

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 **Chapter 8 Vulnerable love**

LAST TIME:

Gillian just left Martha to climb over her wall and get back into her house. Cal left before.

 **Gillian's home, Sunday late in the morning**

'Gill?' A voice came from Gillian's hallway.

Gillian looked up with watery eyes from her living room as she walked towards the hallway.

'Em.' She said surprised as she tried to hide her emotion quickly.

'I…' Emily stammered as she instantly saw Gillian's emotions. '…The door was open... I called out for you but you didn't answer. I thought something might have happened.' Emily said with her big eyes.

'Happen?' Gillian asked confused.

'Did something happen?' Emily asked softly. 'I didn't see dad..'

'I- No…' Gillian swallowed. _Emily was too old now to be lied to. To be protected._

'You texted me? That he was here? And I was going to get him?' Emily reminded her.

'O, yes…' Gillian answered quickly. 'We-' She couldn't talk for a moment. 'He… We had a-' _Was she almost stuttering?_ '-Fight.' She had totally forgotten that Emily would come to pick up Cal.

Emily walked towards her. 'Was it that bad? You've had many fights before haven't you?' She asked concerned.

Gillian nodded. 'Yes.' She said as she tried to brace herself and put her hair behind her ear. 'He was very angry and I.. Might have pushed him.' She admitted as she looked the young girl in the eyes.

Emily sighed. 'Well you know where his buttons are.'

Gillian was surprised at that answer. _She was so wise for her age._

'I mean-' Emily said quickly. '-The both of you do. Not with talking but with- uh… I don't know… Pushing buttons? Fighting?' _Who understood those two? Probably no one did…_

Gillian looked at her wide eyed at that.

Emily shrugged innocently.

'Yes, maybe you're right. Maybe we know each other too well.' Gillian answered as she pondered about this for a moment.

'I thought that was a good thing?' Emily mumbled as she picked up on Gillian's sad tone. _She wondered if her father had finally told Gillian about his feelings._

'I'm not sure yet.' She answered softly as she looked at the floor.

Emily's big eyes studied Gillian's face. And for the first time she saw how vulnerable Gillian looked. And how hurt. How conflicted. She looked tired. Small in her pajamas. Young with the freckles in her face and without the make-up. Tired with the blue eyes that didn't sparkle as usual but had something dull to them now.

'I just… Didn't get much sleep.' Gillian apologized.

Somehow that got Emily's hope up. 'So dad slept here with you?' _Maybe they did tell each other and then slept together and then something went wrong?_ Emily's thoughts were racing.

She got a dreading feeling in her heart when she saw Gillian's face at that. 'I mean… with you…' Emily blurted out. _Stupid._ 'I mean **not** _with_ you? Or _with you?_ In a bed together…' _Is that what the fight was about?_ 'Or in the spare room…' Emily was falling over her words and decided to shut her mouth now before she would make it any worse.

'No! Of course not.' Gillian blurted out quickly as if that was a preposterous idea. She quickly regretted that when she saw the hurt on the younger woman's face. 'I mean…, not that that wouldn't be-' Gillian inhaled shortly. '-We're friends.' She stammered as she hoped that her cheeks wouldn't grow red. _If she'd get a penny for every time she's said that she'd be rich by now. She was tired of repeating it all the time and explaining that to others._

'Yeah.' Emily said as she sighed inwardly. 'Just friends.. I know… As always.'

 _Did she sound disappointed?_ Gillian wondered.

'You make my dad happy. And he makes you happy. I told you this before. I see it on your face. Why…' Emily stopped herself and tried to swallow her frustration and irritation away. _But it had been such a burning question for all these years_. 'Why is it _'just'_ friends? Sometimes it's like the two of you are already married. A lot of times actually. When I see the two of you-'

'- Em.'Gillian stopped her as a red blush appeared on her cheeks. _She wanted Emily to stop_. 'We don't always make each other happy. Not everyone can be together.' She stated sternly.

'I'm not talking about everyone.' Emily countered with a slightly angry undertone as she eyed Gillian who was clearly deflecting. 'I love my father. And I want what's best for him. I don't want to see him hurt. Do you?'

'I don't want to see him hurt either.' Gillian assured her.

'I know that.' Emily said. 'But…' _She didn't dare to ask it. But she had to now._ _She'd never come this far in a conversation about her dad with Gillian before and she probably never would ever again, Gillian could be a closed shell about her own feelings. Emily had just found her in a vulnerable state now, maybe now she would open up?_ 'Do you love him?'

'Emily, you know that I care very deeply for your father and for you.' Gillian answered as she took Emily's elbows softly in her hands in a kind comforting gesture.

'Yeah. Nice deflection.' Emily told her as she took a step back angrily.

Gillian stepped back in slight shock too.

'I'm sorry.' Emily quickly apologized. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.' She explained quickly while she stepped towards Gillian again as fast as she could. 'It's… well… What you get when you have my dad genes I guess..' She put her hands in her pockets and raised her tensed shoulders as she looked at the ground. 'It's just… This is what you do… The caring sweet thing…' Emily looked up at Gillian again. 'And that's nice, but not now. Not when I'm asking you a question and you use it….' Emily's voice slipped away as she studied Gillian carefully. 'To deflect… I'm not a child anymore.' Emily said carefully.

Gillian sighed as she looked at the ground. 'I'm sorry. You're right. You're not a child anymore. And maybe… Maybe I have some trouble getting used to that.' She said as her blue eyes went over Emily's face. Emily read warmth off them and love. And then it was like Gillian put down a wall between them and Emily could read no more off her face.

'Let's get you in the kitchen, I have his car keys.' Gillian said as she walked past Emily.

'So you don't love him?' Emily asked at her back, not letting go of the subject.

Gillian stopped and didn't look back at Emily.

'I don't want to talk about this.' Gillian said softly. _She didn't want to push Emily away._

'I know. That was clear to me when you walked away just now. I'm sorry. It's just that… I love you. And I always fantasized that we were a family and that you and dad would be together and-'

That made Gillian turn around.

'-Well, you know.' Emily finished as she shrugged and stared at her shoes and suddenly felt extremely stupid.

'O Emily.' Gillian sighed as she walked towards her and hugged her. 'I really love my time with you. And I care very much about you. But…' Gillian paused for a moment in deep thought. 'I can't answer you… I… It's something between your dad and me.'

'I know.' Emily said as she avoided eye contact. 'It's just… It takes so long between the two of you. I'm afraid you'll still be in this phase when I'm like 60 or something. Sorry.' She quickly said. 'I'm just worried about dad… And now I'm just saying all sorts of stuff I always wanted to say but never did… And I can see that you're really not waiting for that.'

'Maybe it takes so long because it isn't meant to be.' Gillian offered in a wise tone as she eyed Emily slowly and truthfully. Gillian smiled softly. 'You're an adult now. You know things. You're a wise woman. Maybe you should just let it be.'

'Yeah.' Emily sighed. _How the hell did Gillian do it this time? She had deflected somewhere in there but it had gone so quick that Emily hadn't noticed it, just felt that there was something off and she'd been put off track by the older woman. She had to concentrate really hard to remember what she had wanted to answer before Gillian's response came._

'You're good.' Emily complimented Gillian. 'Maybe it takes so long because it is meant to be but the two of you are too stubborn and foolish that you're fighting it.' She stated sternly as she copied Gillian's earlier behavior and passed her before she could answer back or react. She wanted her words to sink in to the woman she loved so much. And she was still a bit angry. She walked towards the door. _He could come and get his own car keys from Gillian_ , she thought as she left.

 **Cal and Emily's home**

'How are you?' Emily asked as she walked in the kitchen where Cal was huddled up behind his laptop.

'Great.' He mumbled.

'So… Did you forget something maybe?' Emily asked as she stood still in front of his desk.

'Like what?' He asked as he tried to read her.

She gestured to herself. 'I was supposed to come and get you at Gillian's place? She texted me? You weren't there?'

'O shit.' Cal said as he sighed loud and looked away. 'I'm sorry.. I was in a hurry…'

'So you were sick.' Emily sighed as she dropped herself in the chair in front of him and put her bag down with a thud. 'And Gillian cared for you.' She said. Her big eyes scanned his face. 'And still you're not happy.' She concluded slowly. _She always imagined what her father would look like if the two of them would finally get together. And she hadn't imagined this face on him._

Cal looked up at his daughter through his glasses and put them off. 'Yeah. That's about it.'

'Why? What happened?'

'Em.. I'm your father. Not gonna talk about my love life with you.' Cal said as he jumped up from his chair and walked towards his book case with a concentrated frown on his forehead.

'Well you should.' Emily said as she studied her father who grabbed a book from his book shelve now.

'And why would that be?' He mumbled as his eyes didn't leave the pages as he walked back blindly to his chair.

Emily shrugged. 'Because I know things you don't know of course.' She said matter of factly.

Cal dropped the book on the kitchen table and fell in his chair. Then toppled over and leaned on both elbows to stare at his daughter. 'Such as?'

'I know things you'll never know.'

'How's that?'

'I'm a woman.' Emily practically spelled out for him.

'Really? You? You're more of a girl.'

'You wish! I'm a grown woman-'

'You're daddy's little girl.' Cal teased.

'-And grown woman know the way of a woman.' Emily stated as she ignored his teasing.

'Yeah? And you tell me now?' Cal said as he leaned back, took his book and ignored her.

'What happened?'

'It's too late.' He mumbled.

'Why?'

Cal looked up from his book. 'It didn't work Em.' He looked at the window in his office and sighed. 'She cares about me and I care about her.' _And she's afraid I'll hurt her which I probably will. She deserves better._ 'We're friends.'

'I never saw you give up with anything. Ever. And now you just do?'

'It's better.' He looked up at her. 'I love her. I want her to be happy.' _And she's happy without me._

'Did you never see the look on her face she gets when she sees you?'

'Yeah? You should see the look on her face she has when she sees me now.' Cal said as he threw his book down. 'I hurt her Em. That's what I do. And that's the last I'll say about it.' He stated. 'Yeah?' He asked as he eyed her with big eyes.

'Yeah?' She echoed. 'It's not the last **I'll** say about it.'

He gave her a grim look. 'There's no hope here Em. It's done.' He eyed his daughter and sighed. 'I'll get over it. I will. And she'll come round to have dinner with you and me lots of times. You'll see lots of her. We'll go back to the way we were.'

'The way we were….' Emily sighed. 'Such a boring movie. Never liked that one.' She mumbled.

 **Cal sees Wheels outside in a park for lunch**

'Jimmy the mouth is walking on his own two feet again.' Wheels said as he smiled at Cal who came near them. He liked the name 'Jimmy' more for his friend.

Cal had his hands in his pockets as he dropped himself down on one of the park benches Wheels what sitting next to in his wheelchair. His head hurt like hell. He thought a walk through the park would do him some good. He knew Wheels was here every Sunday, hanging around. Playing chess or looking at games.

'How are you?' Cal asked.

'Fine.' Wheels answered as he looked at the blue sky. 'It's a good day to be alive.' He looked at the kids playing baseball in front of him in the park. 'What about you? I didn't think you'd be alive for at least 5 days.' Wheels said as he grinned widely and studied Cal.

'Yeah. I had worse than that.' Cal answered as he slouched even more on the bench and looked at a child that caught the ball.

'O come one…' Wheels laughed. 'That's not possible.' He shook his head.

'So what happened last night? After Legs dragged you home?' Wheels asked after a short pause.

'I stayed alive.' Cal answered as he looked at his friend.

'I mean what happened _**between**_ Legs and you.' Wheels stated impatiently. 'Not that you could do much in that state but probably vomit all around you.'

'O…! Legs…' Cal looked at the grass and its green color further on the play pen. 'Yeah, that's a good name for 'er. She's got legs on her she does.' He mumbled as he visualized Gillian's legs in his head. He looked up quickly at Wheels and shrugged. 'Nothin'.'

'Come on.' Wheels prodded as he shook his head. 'That is just not possible that _nothing_ happened.'

'It's true.' Cal straightened himself because he was hanging too low on the bench and then slumped back again in a more comfortable manner for him. 'She's forbidden fruit that one. Can look, but can't touch.' He said as his eyes stared in the distance.

Wheels laughed at that. 'Can't touch?' He asked astonished. 'You should have seen yourself last night. There's almost no place you didn't touch her.'

'Ey?' Cal asked shocked as he straightened himself slightly.

'Don't tell me you don't remember that.' Wheels laughed again. 'This is priceless.' Wheels shook his head as he clapped his hand on his leg. 'Hot legs shows up all alone to grab you out of that bar and you don't remember a thing?' Wheels shook his head again. Still laughing. 'Wow Jimmy, you're killing me.'

'What?' Cal asked lazily as he put up both his hands in confusion.

'You practically tried to jump her a dozen of times.'

'Nah.' Cal said as he sat up straight quickly and leaned towards Wheels. 'You're jokin' yeah?' Cal read him, his dark eyes. But he wasn't joking. 'What did I do?' He asked with dread in his stomach.

'O man. Are you sure you're up for that?' Wheels asked.

'Let me have it.' Cal ordered as he sat closer to Wheels and leaned forward, leaning his hands on his knees. 'Come on. Out with it!' Cal urged.

'What do you remember from her coming to get you?'

Cal shrugged. 'Nothin' much. Just snippets. Her sitting next to me on the table. Being annoying: grabbing my bottle away from me all the time. She can be annoying like that you know.' _Caring eyes, her sweet voice, her hand on his forehead in concern. Her concentrated look at Wheels. Grabbing him to stop him from doing something. He didn't even remember what. He trusted her. He trusted her with his life. If she was there, she could do whatever she wanted with him. He knew he was safe with her around. No harm would come to him. He could just fall unconscious to the floor and no one would get at him or hurt him, she'd make sure of that._

'Your hands were all over her man. She tried to get them away but that wasn't much use. You were hugging her, pressing your nose in her neck. Crazy man.'

'I was drunk.' Cal mumbled as he looked at his feet, if only he had remembered touching her like that, of course his stupid brain would forget just those nice moments. 'Details. Did I bother her? Hurt her?'

'Nah. It wasn't like that. You were more like….' Wheels frowned his brows as he looked at his lip. 'What shall I call it?' He smirked. 'A big cuddly cookie monster who couldn't get enough of feeling her against you.'

'A big cuddly what?' Cal blurted out. 'And how does that look?'

'You know cookie monster don't you?'

'He's blue.'

'Well, you're blue now too.' Wheels mentioned.

'This 'ain't helpin' much.'

Wheels shrugged. 'You were bein' all touchy feely with her. Not really sexual. Well, yeah, that too. But not in an abusive way.'

Cal let out his breath in relief. At least he had behaved in some way.

'So I behaved yeah? I didn't like… Jump her or anything? Make it difficult for 'er?'

'Uhmmm.' Wheels. 'Yeah you did, but not in a pushy manner, well more in a funny clingy pushy manner like that child hanging on his father's leg right now for example.' Wheels said as he pointed towards a blonde child that had lodged himself to a man's leg as if his life depended on it.

'Great. So I wasn't cool or sexy or anythin'.'

'No, more like the boy.' Wheels laughed as he still stared at the little boy. The father tried to get him away from his leg but the boy quickly clung to the other leg. 'Yeah, exactly like that.' Wheels commented with a smile.

Cal groaned as he leaned backwards. _Great. Well, that was better than if he'd done anything to hurt her or take advantage of his best friend._ 'She's my best friend.' Cal mumbled bitterly. 'I guess behavin' like him is not as worse as bein' a complete ass that tries to get in her pants yeah?' He stated as he tried to comfort himself with these words. His headache seemed to get worse though…

'Cookie Monster…' Cal mumbled as he tried to think of Sesame Street from when Emily used to watch it.

'Nah, I changed my mind… I think the boy is the better example.' Wheels said as the boy began to cry out loud now when a woman took him away from the man's leg. A second later the boy clung to the man's ankle and sat on his foot. 'What are you all somber about? At least you've got a hot woman like that as your _**best friend**_. Who could have ever thought that? I'm jealous.'

'I wanted more of her. I shouldn't 'ave.' He mumbled. 'You know…. I can let her go. Long for her from a distance.' He told Wheels as he straightened himself and got an angry frustrated look on his face. 'But I can't face another man havin' her, hangin' around her.' _Her smile reserved for him, her hand on his chest, her care for him, her laughs for him, her trust and body for him. All for him; Another man._

'I'd have to kill that one.' Cal concluded as he leaned back against the wooden bench. _He thought of Burns and how he had hated his gut. And of all the other men in her life. Stupid wooden Alec. Stupid creep, too stupid to hold on to something as special and beautiful like her. Alec never saw how precious she was._

'What do you mean you can't have her?' Wheels asked surprised.

'She doesn't want me.'

'O come on! I don't believe that.'

'It's true you know.' Cal looked at Wheels. 'I told her this time. With all the fuckin' words I had in my mind. Just not the dirty ones..'

'And?'

Cal shrugged. 'She's afraid.'

'Of what?'

'Of me of course.'

'Of you? Come on, you'd get her the moon if she wanted you too.'

'Yeah, I'd do that.' Cal stared at the boy who was leaving with a man and woman now. Probably his father and mother. 'But I'd get her in deep trouble too. She's right you know. I was afraid of this before.'

'Why.' Wheels asked.

'I've got something dark in me. You know that?' Cal asked as he bended further towards Wheels. 'It's eatin' at me and it just has to get out from time to time. She knows that. I ruin things. Everything around me sometimes…'

'Maybe we all have something like that.' Wheels said.

'Nah. Not like that.'

'No? What makes you so special?'

Cal looked up at Wheels. 'Special? No. Stupid. I'm broken goods Wheels. Always was. Always were. From the gutter I am.'

'That can also make you special for the ladies.' Wheels suggested as he shrugged.

'Nah, it makes me dangerous. I don't want to hurt her. Not more then I already did. I'm a bastard. I know how to hurt her you know. Sometimes I just… Do it on purpose. To get a reaction out of her.' _To test her. Or maybe to see that will happen what he always knew: that she'll leave him. And that she'll never come back._

Wheels sighed. 'She probably knows that.'

Cal shook his head.

'I saw something else.' Wheels said. 'When I was in that cube thing of yours. And she was there with the other beauty. The dark one.'

'Torres..'

'Yeah. There was this tall grey guy. From the feds. She told him off. She told him to let go of you, she drove a hard bargain. Didn't let go. Almost like a tiger holding on to that cop until he'd drop or would do what she wanted him to. She did that for you.'

Cal smiled slowly. 'Yeah she does that. She's a good woman. Good heart.' He remembered how she had helped him. _And how he had thanked her. For one of the firsts times in words. When she was standing in front of him. On the terrace. Drunk. Being vulnerable and beautiful. Drinking his liquor. That seemed important to her. Words. Hearing it. Not just seeing it._

'That was a long time ago.' Cal said in a low voice as if it had been years ago. It felt like that.

'About a month or so?' Wheels stated. 'She was sitting right next to you last night. Bein' beautiful and all. If a woman wouldn't like you like that I'd seen it. She wouldn't have acted the way she did.'

'Nah, you don't know Foster.'

'You weren't even there.' Wheels countered. 'For most of your sanity that is….'

Cal shook his head. 'Foster's nice. Real nice. Sweet you know. Seems almost innocent. She wouldn't hurt me. She's caring. Always cares for me and others.'

'Come on. Hurt you? She probably knows you won't remember half of it in the morning. Wish I had my camera with me. She was so worried. And angry to see you like that.'

'And the keeping the fed away was for the company. Had some trouble with them FBI.' Cal told him.

'Yeah sure. So when you pinned her to the table and put your face between her breasts to go and sleep there, that was for the company too?'

'What?' Cal asked astonished. 'What did I do?' His eyes grew big. 'She didn't tell me that.'

'Of course not. Nothing to be proud of there. Sorry that you don't remember that man.' Wheels said as he laughed and gave Cal a slap on his shoulder.

'You said I didn't hurt her or push myself on her.' He said quickly.

'Ehm… I forgot about this part. She did fall on a bottle but I guess that wasn't totally your fault.' Wheels said.

 _The bruise on her back,_ Cal thought. 'So how did she react?'

Wheels began to laugh hard. 'She couldn't get your dead weight of off her. You were enjoying yourself though.' He had to stop and laughed some more. 'She turned red like a beat. Like a box filled with beats.'

'And you kissed her. That's before you almost hit the pavement and wanted to make love to Joe, because you thought it was her. That's what Joe told me.'

'Great.' Cal said. 'Yeah funny.' He said sarcastically as he tried to remember how it would feel to ly on Foster's chest, so close, so intimate. _If only he could remember..._

'Come on man. Another woman who wasn't interested in you would have already slapped you around and left you right there. She didn't seem to mind an awful lot that your hands were all over her. Almost seemed like she was used to it….'

'She isn't.' Cal said in a dark disappointed voice. _He wished she was used to it._

 _8888888_

 **That was it for now. Hope you liked it. Will you let me know? Thanks!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for the reviews!**

 **The Lightman Group**

'Did you see Cal?' Gillian asked as she stopped in front of Torres in the hallway.

'Uh… Yes, he just went that way.' Ria frowned as she pointed towards the other side of the building. 'Weren't you looking for him an hour ago too?' She questioned curiously as her big eyes read Gillian automatically.

Gillian just looked at her. _Knowing full well the younger woman had noticed instantly something was going on._

'And…. Still haven't found him?' Ria tried as she tried with an innocent tone.

'It's a big building.' Gillian answered. _And that wasn't half a lie. It was big, especially if someone was trying to avoid you._ 'Ria…' Gillian warned as Ria opened her mouth to begin and ask something more.

 **An hour later**

'Cal!' Gillian called as she rushed through her door and run after him. _Finally she saw him!_ He was walking very fast. 'Cal wait!' Gillian called again. _He was too fast._

Cal almost bumped into Gillian in his hurry to get away from her. He eyed her surprised. As he looked at the hallway on the left. _She'd taken a shortcut._

'You weren't trying to avoid me were you?' Gillian asked. She was wearing black high heels and was a bit taller than him now. Her blue eyes gazed down on his.

'I'm busy.' Cal deflected as he began to walk by her but she stepped sideling's quickly to stop him.

'I'd like to talk to you.' Gillian told him as her eyes stared in his _. She was trying to read him._

'That's okay. Later in the day perhaps..' Cal said lightly as he tried to pass her quickly on the other side but she side stepped again. _She was getting too fast now a days. Usually, when they did these sort of dances he was pretty good at outrunning her. But even in her high heels she'd been in front of him, blocking his way, too fast this time…._

'Five minutes.' Gillian offered in a very serious voice. _She knew he was trying to get away._ 'Your office.' She ordered sternly as she pointed over her shoulder. 'Just five minutes.' She said again when he didn't move.

He sighed dramatically and looked at his watch.

She would have rolled her eyes if she didn't feel so tensed because he was making a drama of it on purpose.

She waited until he began to move.

'Am I allowed through now?' He asked sarcastically as he passed her slowly on the right. He looked her up and down on purpose before he passed her. She put her hands in her sides as she watched him pass. As if she was afraid he'd run again if he wouldn't walk in front of her. He lazily walked towards his office.

Cal took up the pace in his office and headed towards his desk quickly and plopped down on the chair.

Gillian sighed inwardly. _She'd rather sat on his couch for this conversation. His desk seemed sort of a bunker to hide behind for him._

She sat herself down reluctantly in the chair opposite his desk.

'Cal I…' Gillian began but she felt nervous. She wanted to straighten her black dress but stopped herself just in time. _She didn't want to show her nervousness but it was difficult_.. 'About yesterday.' She tried not to swallow.

'What I said…' She began. She straightened her back and looked straight at him now. A professional look on her face. She had seemed to have gathered enough strength now to push her nervousness aside and too face him. 'What I said about the man up part. Cal I didn't mean...' She had to swallow now anyway. _This had been weighing heavy on her since the moment Cal had left her house. How could she explain this to him?_ She looked down shortly in thought and then back up at him.

'Do you remember the case where you took the muffin and ended up in the psychiatric ward?' She asked in a friendly voice.

'Yeah. Can't forget that one.' Cal said as he waited where she was going with this. He leaned backwards in his chair and put his feet up the desk.

'You talked to your mother. You had the hallucinations?' Gillian reminded him softly.

'Yeah.'

'Cal I… ' She fumbled with her hands in her lap and stopped herself. '…. Didn't mean that I'm… That you're not man enough. I meant… When I saw you there, I saw that little boy that's still inside of you. That's so hurt.' She looked up at him.

Cal saw so much concern and care in her eyes. _That's what he saw many times. Sometimes it was too much too bear. Then he'd call her nurse, mother goose, smothering or whatever._

'And I just… I wanted to give you all that you had missed as a child. I know why you lash out and push others away and me. I know what you do.' She shook her head as she looked at her lap again. 'I shouldn't have said it like that last night.' She apologized as she looked up at him.

'This is a free therapeutic psych session then is it?' Cal asked as his cold gaze went over her face.

'No Cal.' Gillian said as she kept looking at him. She shook her head softly. _He was trying to pick a fight again, while she was acting vulnerable_. She felt anger coming up in her stomach.

'You know what this is.' She suddenly said sternly as she eyed him. Her nostrils almost flared and her back was straight and strong. _She'd meet him head on if he wanted to do a bull fight. She could corner him easily too, but she wouldn't. Not again. Not like last night… When she had lost her… What? Sanity? She wouldn't be pushed like that by anyone any more._

'This is funny you know.' She said sadly with a hint of anger lacing her tone. She shook her head. 'You tell me you love me and all you do is push me away and lash out. When I try to talk normally with you and I show a vulnerable side of me, you can't have it. You can't handle it.' Gillian said as she stood up from the chair and looked down at him.

His eyes raked up her bare athletic legs, taking in her black skirt that ran over her stomach and changed into a white blouse underneath her breasts. It looked wonderful. She stood up from her chair.

'What vulnerable side?' Cal asked as he got out of his slumped position now too and got up. 'You call psycho-analyzing me your vulnerable private side?' He asked slowly in a low dark tone he slowly walked towards her around his desk.

'That was not what I was doing.' Gillian countered.

'No? How about you explain to me what a sad little boy you think I was and how that touches you.' Cal stepped in her personal space and eyed her now.

Gillian wanted to step back but held her ground. _This wasn't the way she had thought this would go. Not the way she had counted on either. She did not like the way this was going._

She ignored his question. And went back to the original subject. 'I came to apologize for my reaction yesterday. I was being mean. It wasn't right.'

He smiled. But not a warm smile, or a nice smile. It was a mean smile. 'Deflecting darlin'?' He asked lazily.

'No. Apologizing.' She said as he wanted to pass her. She stepped in front of him again and he almost collided with her chest. She put her hand on his chest and pushed him back a bit. 'Something you should really try.' She stated.

He couldn't read her now. _She'd turned her walls up. But in those eyes of her, in the blue he saw it. They had grown hard. Angry._

'You pity me don't you?' Cal asked as he looked at her lips. _Just to make her nervous. To push her._

Her eyes went to his lips, to his nose, to his eyes, to his brows. On purpose now too. _She could do the reading thing too. Or at least… Try._ She narrowed her eyes at him.

'That's where all the mothering comes from then? Since the beginnin' isn't it?' He walked past her. 'And there I thought you cared for me.'

'O great. You're going to put the rest of our friendship in the balance now too with your behavior?' Gillian snapped as she turned around swiftly on her heels and stared him down.

'Let's keep it professional from now on Foster. Just business. Yeah?'

'God you can be such an ass. From all the things you did, all the things we went through….' She shook her head as her eyes didn't leave his. 'This is how you react? This is what you give me?' She walked towards him. Not caring that he saw the anger that was on her face now.

'You know that I care about you. It's another mean blow of you. A very low blow.' She showed her teeth. 'Is that all you can do Cal? Just a mean low blow? After all these years of friendship? And trust?'

He walked towards her angrily. _Not because he knew what to say, or what to do. But on impulse._ He stepped in her personal space and stopped inches away from her face. And stared her down. At least, he tried to.

'What do you want me to give you.' He stated hard.

She felt the warmth of his breath on her skin and lips. She was taken aback shortly. But she knew having a discussion or fight with Cal Lightman was hard work. _He was the master of lies, deception, of words. He could easily twist and turn them around. Just the way he wanted too._

The air was almost crackling between them.

'I want you to not throw me away. I want you to respect me.'

'Respect? You think I don't respect you?' He tilted his head, still close to her face as he studied her.

She narrowed her eyes again as she tilted her chin slightly. 'You know damn well what you are doing.'

'Tell me.' Cal answered.

'Why don't you work for it yourself for once.' Gillian snapped as she inched even closer to him. She grabbed his arm and dragged him towards his desk. She let him go in front of his photos.

'Why don't you look at this.' She snapped as she put Emily's photo right in front of him. 'And you explain to me why that is the only… -And I mean ONLY- woman in the whole wild world you're letting close, the only woman you don't push away.' She almost snapped at him.

He looked from the photo up at her. His lip twitched ever so slightly. His stance was slumped. _She had him. She had him right there._

'And you explain to me that when you shout at me that you love me and you claim it to be romantically and you blame me for not picking that up… But all you've done since then is shout, push and everything else you can come up with. And then you question why I can never be in a relationship with you Cal?' She gestured towards him. 'You're ruining yourself with your 'nobody deserves me, I'll ruin Gillian.' Good one Cal! Very good.'

She took a step towards him. 'But you never, NEVER once came up with the idea to ask _me,_ you just decided for me. Just ASK Cal. Ask, tell me, show me, do something OTHER than pushing, fighting, kicking, ruining, deflecting and all the things you are so good at.' She shook her head again in pain as her face was and brows were pinched in a look of horror.

She took a step back. 'That's what you do Cal.' She put her hand flat on his desk. 'You keep yourself prisoner. And that's not the only thing. You don't only push others away, and me. But you're too afraid Cal.'

She paused for a moment. She had to catch her breath. Her chest was heaving, her face was red. A few tears ran down her cheeks.

'So in the end you can say to yourself that you were right. That no one will ever want you. That's just a ruse Cal. Do you know what the most ironic thing is? Of all the lies you ever did, or saw. The biggest liar is you. To yourself. You keep pushing yourself back into that pit, and I'm not going back there with you. If you want to step up Cal. Man up, like I meant: and I did not mean –pity-,….. You'll talk to me, use your words. Show me what's in there.' Gillian said as she had come closer and pointed to his chest.

'I want to get to know this part of you better.' She said softly as she put her flat hand on his heart now.

Cal looked down and took a step back.

'Cal…' Gillian warned quickly. He seemed like he was going to run. 'Show me. Talk to me. I don't want to fight anymore.' She almost pleaded with him as fresh tears watered her cheeks now. 'Please, don't fight me anymore. Stop fighting.' She whispered as her hand went to his stubble chin. He just stood there. Staring at the ground. Frozen.

She took a shaky breath. 'I know you don't want to fight no more either. We can do this together.' He voice was soft and sweet. Trying to comfort him.

'Cal?' She asked softly as she wanted to put her hand on his shoulder, but before her hand touched him he put the picture of Emily back between the other of the pictures on his desk. He turned around and left. Without a word.

Gillian sighed and put her hands on the desk to steady herself. For support. _She was afraid of the dark part of him. The dark destructive part._

 **The Lightman Group, terrace outside**

Cal was late in the office and wanted to shut everything down when he noticed Gillian outside. She was watching the stars.

'Gill?' He asked as he walked outside.

She had her bare feet on the railing and a glass of wine in her hand as she rotated her head to see him. He could see she was crying. She quickly looked away from him and wiped her tears away with her free hand.

'I couldn't sleep. I mean. I can't sleep. You know I can't. Not when it's like this between us.' Cal said to her back. He slowly walked towards her and stopped a few meters away to look at the sky. 'It's always been like that. I don't even know when that started, you know?' He asked, but all he could see was the side of her face, covered up by her hair. She took another drink of her wine.

He swallowed as he looked back up to the sky. 'You're in my head. Most of the time. So if it's not good between us…' _It's like a part of me is missing… Is failing…_ 'That's why I came to you so often.' He turned around and put his hands in his pockets deep as he leaned his back to the railing. 'You were always there for me. So warm, comforting. Soft. Smart. Funny.' _God, he loved everything about her._ 'You kind of grew on me you know.' He mumbled as he looked at his foot. He felt like a teenager again.

'Great. That's just what I needed to hear.' Her muffled and sarcastic reply came. 'I'm glad I could be of service.'

 _She was obstinate. Well, served him bloody right didn't it? She'd come close to him this afternoon and he'd ran away._ 'Yeah.' He whispered as he pushed his stomach against the railing and leaned on it. 'Not like that Gill. Not like that and you know it.' He put his hands on the railing and stretched shortly.

'How much did you drink?' He decided to ask. _Maybe this conversation was not such a good idea. Not right now. Now he was ready for it. She had been ready for it this afternoon. But he couldn't. He felt hurt, wounded. He felt like she'd run down his walls so massively fast and jumped in the midst of wounds he'd never shared with anyone, he hadn't been able to cope at that moment. He'd become blind, frozen. He had had to leave. Go. He'd sobered down now a bit. Of course the bloody woman could run down his walls and build herself a home right beside his wounds and point them out to him. She was the best shrink he knew. Damn woman was smart. Too smart sometimes. He sometimes forgot how good she was. How good she was at her job. At listening, in another way then he did. He was the expert in reading faces. But she…. She was the expert in reading voices, or listening to them. Above that her sensitive nature made her pick up all sorts of things he hadn't wanted anyone to see. Not even her. Yeah, she had been damn right. It had frightened him. At least pushing was easier than this. Pushing her away. She'd been right about that too. Great. She could see right inside of him. Read him like a book. In some way… No one ever could. No one had ever taken the trouble to get that far either. She could probably do this now, because she'd kept trying. She hadn't ran off all these years, not even when he was the biggest bastard possible to her. She just stood strong. Right there. Kept being his partner. Why? Because she knew. She saw through him, like no one did. She saw inside of him. He realized that now, even better than ever after her words this afternoon. She could have confronted him earlier with this. Much earlier. She probably already knew for years. She knew his patterns. And still she kept by his side. Supported him. Care about him. Was his best friend, was loyal to him. After everything he did._

'This bottle?' He asked.

'No Cal.' She suddenly snapped irritated.

'Oy, just lookin' out for you.' He said as he put up his hands in defense.

'I can look out for myself.' She snapped softly. Her voice sounded sad. Tired. Drained. As if she didn't have the energy anymore to talk.

'Yeah, I know. I know that yeah?' He stated as he turned towards her. He walked closer towards her. Admiring her long legs shortly as he bended his face to try and see her eyes. 'Could you just give me a break and face me?' He asked.

'No. I'm not in the mood Cal.' She whispered angrily. _She wanted him to leave._

He stood straight and put his hands in his pockets again. 'Okay.. Okay, that's fair. I understand. I'll come back then when you're in the mood yeah? You know… We could talk maybe? If you still want that is… Like you proposed this afterno-'

'-Lightman? Can you just look over the Bingham Case, I just found something interesting. Think it's important.' Loker blurted out as he walked towards them.

Cal looked shortly at Gillian who didn't give him any notice.

'You're still be here in a while?' Cal asked.

'Don't know.' She mumbled.

Loker's eyebrow rose as he looked from the side of Gillian back to Lightman.

'Walk.' Cal ordered before Loker could ask anything as he pushed him back.

 **An hour later**

'Gill?' Cal asked as he walked back on the terrace. Not sure if she still was there. But her bag was still in her office.

She was lying in one of the low comfy garden chairs on the terrace now. Her arms draped above her head. Her chest heaving softly as she breathed. Cal swallowed at the sight of her. She was so attractive.

'Gill?' He said softly.

Gillian opened her eyes and gave him a giddy smile. 'Cal.' She slurred happily.

His eyes went to the glass in her hand and he instantly knew that she was tipsy.

'You're here. I didn't see you.' She drawled happily as she walked towards him on her bare feet.

'Yeah. What have you been doin'?'

'Just… Enjoying the stars.' She said as smiled lazily and gestured towards the dark sky.

'You drank the whole bottle?' He asked as he leaned to one side to look behind her and see the empty bottle on the table.

'Yesss.' She said as she put her glass down. 'No… Not the whole bottle. You are just in time.' She said as she pointed her finger at him.

'Yeah? For what?' He asked as he looked at white blouse that showed a bit of cleavage. He enjoyed drunk Gillian. But it also hurt him. He knew that she'd been drinking because he had hurt her.

'I just had to say something to you.' She pointed at his chest. 'And you alone.' She stated as she pricked her finger in his chest again.

'I'm all ears.' Cal said lazily as he looked from her finger to her big blue eyes. _He could just enjoy this shortly couldn't he? He loved her laugh, the sparkle in her eyes. And he hadn't seen that in a while now._

'Me too.' She said proudly as she smiled.

He narrowed his brows. 'You too..?' He repeated slowly and confused as he tried to read her. And then he flinched. 'You too what?'

'You to.' She explained as if she was being very clear.

Cal sighed shortly. 'Oy. Let's not open that one too shall we?' He said as he quickly grabbed the next bottle out of her hands she was trying to open.

'You know.' She giggled as she put her hands against his chest and leaned in close. Her hand roamed through his short hair. 'Love.' She mumbled. 'It's a funny thing isn't it?'

'Yeah. It is.' Cal mumbled as he eyed her. The feel of her hands in his hair made him feel warm on the inside.

Gillian licked her lips and he swallowed. She was so close. He could smell her and he could feel the heat radiating from her body.

'You said you loved me.' She said as she looked at him. He could feel her warm breath on his lips. 'You still do?' She asked as she put her finger on his lips.

'Gill.' Cal warned softly as he took one slender arm in his hands to stop her. _He'd had to put distance between them before he couldn't stop himself. It was already bad enough not being allowed to touch her the way he wanted to. This was just too much. If he didn't stop it in time._

'Well?' She asked as he took her other arm now too and slowly lifted it away from his face.

'Let's get you home yeah.'

'Do you?' She asked as Cal bended to grab her empty glass from the table and she leaned lazily against his back.

'Gillian… You're drunk.'

'Nope… Just a bit…' She began but seemed to lose her words as she looked at his lips. 'A bit… On purpose… Tipsy.' She rambled as her eyes wouldn't leave his lips.

'On purpose?'

'I waited for you, you know.'

'O yeah?' He asked dryly as he began to clean her mess now. _He did feel a spark of hope though. Although she'd been angry before she'd finished the bottle. She still had waited for him. That was a good sign wasn't it? Or not?_

'You enjoyed this all by yourself I see.' He quipped as he took the empty bottle and recognized it from his stash. 'You drink my private stash alone now?'

'Yes. You were too slow.' She said lazily as she put her arms around him and leaned towards his lips. Before he knew what was happening she kissed him.

'Gill no.' He stated shocked as he moved back.

'What?' She asked astonished.

'You want to be the death of me? You're drunk.' Cal stated as he took a step back and had his hands in front of him to keep her away.

'So? You suddenly don't like me anymore?' She asked sadly now.

'owww I do. But you won't be likin' that in the morning.'

'Yes I will.'

'No you won't.'

'Yes I will.'

'No you won't. '

'I know myself.'

'Maybe I know you better.'

'You don't know me better.' She stated as she pushed against his hands.

'You never listened to me.' She blurted out. 'I told you. But you didn't listen. You stopped listening… Since when? Months ago.' She slumped herself down in the chair. 'When you started to push me away.'

'What didn't I listen for? 'He asked as he kneeled to get her glass away from her hand. 'Ey?' He asked as he put a hand around her shoulder and pulled her up from the chair.

'The-' She frowned deep in thought. 'I don't remember.' She said surprised.

'What didn't I listen for?'

'You know.' She said as she looked down at his face and her hand was in his hair again. She giggled like a little girl. 'I never said no.'

'To what?'

'Your hair is so soft.' Gillian said as she leaned towards him, pushing Cal's face in her breasts as she leaned her cheek against his short hair.

'Gill.' Cal said as he took her at her sides and pushed her away a few centimeters. Not that he didn't like his face there, but that was something to stop immediately now or otherwise he'd ruin everything.

'You never said no to what?'

Gillian sighed dramatically as she rolled her eyes. 'Owwww…. When you said you loved me! I never said that I didn't.'

Realization suddenly hit him hard.

Before he could think about that she put her cheek against his and groaned loudly in ecstasy as she moved her cheek against his stubble.

'Up you go.' He said as he grabbed her slender wrists and helped her up quickly.

He was carrying her shoes in the other hand.

'You're tired.'

'I forgot.' She said lazily as her finger fingered his stubble cheek. 'I love your stubble.' She mumbled against his cheek.

'Let's get you home. You'll love your bed in a few moments.'

'Yes…. I'll love….' She mumbled as she fell into his arms. He picked her up and her head sank against his chest, her eyes closed.

 **Cal's home**

'Is that… Gillian?' Emily asked when her father came into the house with a woman in his arms.

'Yeah. She's asleep.'

Emily's big eyes went from Gillian's crumpled form to her father. 'What happened?' She asked concerned as she rose her brows. She didn't think Gillian was the kind of woman to just fall asleep like that. Gillian was more the person who was in control most of the time.

'Why does something always have to happen?' Cal answered in a low voice as he made his way towards the stairs. 'Nothin' happened.' He lied as he lifted Gillian closer to his chest and slowly walked up the stairs.

'So she just collapsed in your arms like that?' Emily asked from the doorway to their guest room.

'Yeah, somethin' like that.' Her father answered impatiently as he softly put Gillian down on the bed.

'Could you just get her somethin' other to wear for tomorrow? Some big shirt of yours or somethin'?' Cal asked as he sat down on the bed next to Gillian. Her head had fallen to the left side. He caressed some stray hairs out of her face and put them behind her ear softly.

'Yeah sure.' Emily said instantly as she left for her room in search of something that would fit Gillian.

'You had a hard day ey?' Cal asked as he caressed her soft cheek. He softly bended forward to loosen her necklace.

'Me too.' He whispered. 'Is hard work you are.' He muttered as he softly loosened the chain. 'Guess that's because of me.' He put the chain softly on the night stand. 'Ain't it?' He asked as he looked at her face.

He smiled as he kissed her cheek and held her other cheek in his hand. 'This is really easy, the talkin' to you like this.' He straightened himself, his other hand didn't leave her warm cheek. 'But I'd miss them blue eyes and that beautiful voice of yours.' His finger slowly caressed her eye lid. 'You're so special. Sweet and with such a good heart.' He swallowed. _Yeah, and that's what made him so afraid._

He put his arms over each other. 'You were right you know. This afternoon. You did a good job at readin' me. And I hated it. I was at the lake all afternoon. Just throwin' stones in the water. First I was angry.' _And hurt._ 'Then even more angry. I kicked a few trees you know.' He shrugged. 'Maybe that's just me. Hittin' somethin'always makes me feel better.'

'You've probably stuffed yourself with them sweet chocolates you've hidden in your desk. And the good liquor from my private stash ofcourse... Serve's me right yeah?' He shook his head. 'So I got you in this mess again, haven't I?' He caressed the side of her face. 'And you're just lying there. So peaceful, beautiful and sweet.' He guessed that that had helped him so many times throughout the years.

'That's what you do ey luv? Most of the time.. I got your message.' He whispered. 'I'll try harder. To give you what you deserve. Yeah?' He swallowed again. _He wanted to kiss her. On her lips. Would that be kind of somethin' that was too far when she was unconscious? Maybe he should settle for her cheek then._ He kissed her other cheek again.

'Dad?' Emily called softly from the door.

'Yeah Em.' He said. _He loved his daughter. She hadn't barged in here, as if she knew he wanted some times with Gillian._

'Were you talking to her?' Emily asked amazed as her brows rose in amusement.

'No.' Cal lied.

Emily put her hands in her sides.

'Kind of.' He admitted as he looked at Gillian again. 'Just some practicin' yeah.'

'Didn't know you needed practicing with talking.' Emily mocked as she put a big shirt and a jogging trousers on the other side of the bed and a pair of socks.

'Yeah.' Her father said sadly. His eyes didn't leave Gillian. 'With her I do I suppose, she's a hard nut to crack you know..'

'Uhuh. Yeah sure. It's either the other way around _._ But for the rest… Yeah, good insight.' Emily said cheekily as she nodded happily at him.

'Oy!' Cal scolded his too-smart daughter. 'So what did you bring?' He asked in a whole different tone. _Too much seriousness for too long already._ He looked at the puddle of clothes Emily had put down on the bed.

'I found my old care bear t-shirt. It is the biggest I have. XL. But I… Well, it is a bit childish.' Emily said as he showed it to her father.

'That's good. Childish is good.' Cal said as he grinned. _He couldn't wait to see his fashionable partner in stuff like that. That was going to be fun._

'Maybe I should get her that black shirt-' Emily pondered out loud as her brows frowned in thought.

'No… No black. The bear thingy is good.' Cal answered quickly.

'You're enjoying this.' Emily concluded.

'Yeah hell I am.' He admitted with a smirk. 'What's next ey?'

'O just a jogging I found.' Emily said as she held it up.

'Nothin' on it? No cartoons or such?' He asked almost dissapointed.

'No. Not on any trousers I have. Are you trying to make her uncomfortable on purpose?' Emily questioned with a smile.

'Nah, well.. Yeah. Is fun ain't it?'

Emily looked lovingly at Gillian's sleeping form. 'Yes, don't know she'll think the same though...'

'That's her problem yeah?' Cal said in anticipation as he stood up and took a blanket to cover her.

He froze his movements for a moment as he looked at Emily. 'What do you think? Leave her clothes on?' Cal asked his daughter.

Emily looked at Gillian's crumpled white blouse and her neat crumpled black skirt. 'Yeah…. It doesn't seem very comfy to sleep in, but taking that off all by myself will give me some trouble.' Emily said.

'Yeah.' He agreed almost partly. _He would have loved to see Gillian totally naked. But that would probably be better if she'd be conscious and willing to show him herself. If that would ever happen in this lifetime…_ He thought bitterly. He sighed as he put the blanket over her body and pushed it over her shoulders. He took a long time to tuck her in with much concentration as he frowned his brows.

'Dad, you're suffocating her.' Emily mentioned as she studied her dad's movements.

'O yeah?' He looked at Gillian whose face was the only thing visible now from under the blanket. 'That's how I always tucked you in.' He stated.

'Yeah, suffocating. Just like I say.'

'Oy! You want to tell me I don't know how to tuck in my girl?!' Cal snapped playfully. 'I mean you, not 'er.´ He said quickly as he pointed at Gillian.

Emily smirked at that knowingly. 'Don't know. Maybe she'll like it this way. Let's ask her in the morning.' She quipped. 'At least she won't get cold like this... I think…'

'You're gonna be around then?'

'I sure as hell am.' Emily said as she grinned from ear to ear. 'I have to make sure you don't mess up any more right?' She stood up from the other side of the bed and hugged her father from the side as they both looked at Gillian's sleeping form.

'She looks so sweet don't you think?' She asked. She felt her dad nod against her.

'So… What happened?' Emily tried again.

'Let's leave her in peace yeah?'

'I'll get it out of you anyway.' Emily mumbled as Cal pushed her towards the door.

000000

Extra long chapter and something sweet at the end, because it took me a while to post again! Let me know what you think?


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi everyone, I'm sorry for the long wait. But I wrote so many different versions and just didn't think they were good enough. And then I kind of got trapped... Thanks Elena for reviewing and asking me to post again. So I'll just take the risk of choosing one of the versions, hoping it won't ruin things... Geez... It's HARD finding the right way to put them together!**

 **Morning, Cal's home**

Gillian opened her eyes groggily. The first thing she saw was her white ceiling. But it looked different somehow. She narrowed her eyes. When she saw something in the corner of her eye she looked at the right and flinched heavily in shock as she saw Cal lying next to her in bed. Her eyes grew big as she stared at him and then quickly looked underneath the blanket to discover to her relief that she was still fully clothed.

'Checking that everythin's still there?' Cal asked amused as he followed Gillian's every move. He loved the way her cheeks reddened again and were fighting a battle with her freckles and the rests of her make up to win space on her cheeks.

Cal went to lie on his left side facing her and propped his cheek on his arm as he studied her with great interest. 'Had a scare there for a moment ey?' He asked amused as his eyes lazily travelled up at every facial feature.

Gillian shook her head annoyed and put the blanket back over her blouse. 'What happened?' She flinched as she felt a headache and her hand went to her forehead in pain.

'What happened?' Cal repeated astonished as he flopped on his back and threw the blanket off him and jumped off the bed to land above the blanket on his back again lazily. 'You stealin' my private stash –again- is what you did and what happened.'

Gillian's eyes were on his clothes. 'You did that on purpose.' She noted.

'What?' He asked innocently.

'O this?' He said as he pulled on his shirt. He grinned mischievously and put his hands behind his head. 'It worked didn't it? You thought you were lying naked in bed with me. And that we had wonderful passionate sex everywhere in the house ending with here in the bed and you just couldn't have enough of me before-'

Gillian groaned and dropped her head back in the pillow, instantly regretted that when she felt another throb in her head. She slapped him.

'Oy. 'S not my fault.'

'Yes it is.' She snapped. 'You just love seeing me embarrassed don't you?' She let herself sink further into the pillow. Hoping the soft material would soak up her headache.

'Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout.' Cal lied as he stared at the ceiling and enjoyed the moment immensely.

'Why? What so nice about that.' Gillian asked as she propped herself up on her elbows and rested her back tiredly against the headboard. She straightened her crumpled white blouse.

'You sure you wanne know?' He asked as he looked at her and straightened himself in one short move to sit next to her against the headboard now too.

'Please do.' Gillian mocked as she pulled the blanket further up her lap and against her stomach.

'Nah…. It's a secret…. Maybe I'll tell you someday.' _It would become too sappy to tell her how he loved the flush on her cheeks, the freckles, her skin..._

'Someday?' She echoed dissatisfied. _She was too tired to push him any further._

'So had a good nights sleep yeah?'

'I don't remember.' Gillian said as she looked at his share of the blanket.

'I slept in the guest room you know. You were so dominant that there was no place for me in my own bed.'

Gillian rolled her eyes.

'Why didn't you take me home?' Gillian asked.

'Nah… Seemed better to 'ave you 'ere.' He answered.

'Cal-' Gillian began in a tone that told him she was going to talk about something heavy.

'Em's here.' He said cheekily to stop her. 'You know what's interestin'?' He asked as he turned towards her and leaned his left side against the headboard. 'I talked to Wheels.'

'Really.' Gillian mumbled uninterested as she looked at the water glass on the nightstand. 'Is that-?'

'Yeah.' Cal mumbled knowing what she meant as she took the glass and drank some water. 'Said I gave you a hard time.' Cal said as he studied her.

'Nothing I'm not used to from you.' Gillian answered as she took a sip of water again.

'Yeah?' Cal asked carefully as he studied her. 'He said I pinned you down on a table and almost fell asleep on top of your chest.' He stared at her white crumpled blouse and her cleavage. 'So even when I'm drunk I have good taste... That's a comfort to know that is..' He quipped.

Gillian looked away quickly. _Great._ _Wheels just had to tell him that part._ 'You were drunk.' Gillian mumbled into the glass.

'He said you didn't seem to mind.' He stated as he watched her every micro expression. 'And I also kissed you somewhere in between there?'

'You were a bit clingy yes.' Gillian mumbled. _It was a big understatement but at least she could take away the tension between them like that. Or at least, try…_

'Hummm. That's funny….'

She tilted her head in annoyance, for what was going to come.

'So you liked it then? Wasn't bothered by it or anythin' ?' Cal asked as he gestured between them.

'Yes sure.' Gillian answered sarcastic with a dry undertone. 'I liked pulling you from a bar, drunk as hell in the middle of the night.' She bit at him with a snide undertone as she put the glass back down on the nightstand with a loud sound.

'Doctor Foster… Is that arousal that I see?' Cal asked as he pointed with his finger towards her eyes. 'Right there, and there.' He leaned further towards her. He pointed at both her eyes.

She slapped his hand away.

'Extreme arousal. It's like the blue of your eyes has totally dissap-' She slapped him again.

'Shut up. I'm still angry with you.' She huffed in irritation. 'And that I am attracted to you doesn't mean that I like you.' Gillian's nostrils flared in irritation as she looked away from him. Her whole face flushed red. _She hated it when he read her when she didn't want him too. And he knew it. Especially now._

Cal let himself sink back into the headboard. 'Yeah, that's true.' He mumbled and tried to hide his sadness.

'So still angry ey? I deserve it.'

She pouted.

'What's that?'

'My head is hurting me.' She mumbled sadly.

'Come 'er.' He said as he opened his arm for her.

'No. I'm angry.'

'Yeah, I got that. You can still be angry here yeah?'

She closed the gap between them all too eagerly as she nestled herself against his left chest and he put his arm softly around her.

'I'm still angry.' She whispered in his shirt as she scooted closer to his body.

'Yeah, I know…' He whispered. 'I deserve that. Probably deserve you bein' angry with me for the comin' years.'

She nodded against his chest and moved closer and put her cheek against his right chest and put her arms around his upper body now. She sank into him with a satisfied and tired sigh.

He loved feeling her so close. Cuddling and cradling his chest and upper body like that.

'You wanted to tell me somethin' yesterday evening.' Cal said softly.

'Don't remember.' Gillian mumbled against his color bone. As she moaned and put her cheek against his naked skin there.

'You never stayed angry for long.' He said out loud while he thought about that. He had always wondered why that was. _Why she hadn't left._

'It's because I care about you too much.' She answered against his skin.

'Ey?' He asked.

'You heard me.' The muffled reply came.

'Nah, I didn't.'

'You're not going to read me Cal.' Gillian's annoyed answer came from his color bone. _She knew he wanted to see her face when she said something like that._

'Not even now?' He asked.

Her face loosened itself from his body and she gave him a look at her eyes.

He swallowed as he read the emotions; love, lust... But he was taken aback by the fear he saw. She gave him an angry hurt look as she let her face sink above his armpit again. Not wanting to face him.

'I'm sorry.' He whispered. He had the woman he loved so deeply, possibly the most of every woman in this whole world in his arms and she was almost crying when she admitted that she cared about him.

'I'm really sorry. I just- Can't stop myself sometimes.' He whispered as he stared into the distance.

There came no reply. _Gillian was too afraid to move. To break the spell of him apologizing._

'I didn't mean last night… That you're just my rock… And somethin' too use… Didn't mean that at all.' He said.

She could feel his warm breath against her hair and head.

'You're….. You're my everythin'…. Couldn't do without you really. Maybe never could. It's like… You're part of me. If you'd leave…. Or ever leave… It wouldn't just break me… You'd take a piece of me with you…' He swallowed deep.

She looked up at him. He was totally vulnerable now. Even flushed red. She had never seen that in her entire life. Fear. Love. Extreme fear, and shame.

His eyes watered and she could even see a tear leaving. He looked away instantly and put up his walls again.

'Don't.' she whispered as she had her hand on his cheek and forced him softly to look at her again.

'Gill, I can't.'

'Yes you can.'

'I'm damaged goods. You know that.' He whispered.

'So am I. Everyone is in a way.'

'Nah.' He shook his head. 'You don't know-' He started

'- I do. Why do you think I took so much from you?' She asked.

He looked at her. 'I don't understand. Why would you do so much for me? I'm such a wanker.'

'Yes… Sometimes… But here…' She said as she put her hand over his heart. 'You're not. Here's the real you. Underneath your façade.'

He looked away.

'Please don't run Cal.' She begged him. She meant him shutting himself off.

'I'm not like you.' He whispered.

'I hope not.' She said amused.

'I don't do the feelin' stuff and mushy stuff well.' He explained.

'You think that's what I want from you?' She asked.

'Yeah. You want me to use my words. I can't talk 'bout my feelin's really well. And I don't want to.'

'I know… But we still manage to talk to each other don't we?'

'So now you're gonna push me away again?' Gillian asked softly.

'Yeah. Got to show you something.' He said as he got up and quickly moved her off of him.

'Cal- Calm down, we were in the middle of something import-'

'Here.' He said as he pushed her against the wall softly.

'What are you doing?'

'Are you comfy?' He asked as he stepped closer into her personal space.

Gillian looked confused at him.

He put his hand next to her left side. 'Is the wall not pressing too hard against your back I mean?' He asked.

Her eyes grew wide in confusion. A frown crept between her brows now. 'Cal, what are you-'

'-Just a moment.' He said as he took her elbows and pushed her back just a centimeter. ''ere we go. Comfy?'

'What are you doing?' She asked confused with a smile in her tone.

'Not to cold are you? Should I put on the radiator?'

Her brows knitted together now. 'No, I'm not cold..' She mumbled as she tried to read him.

'Okay, that's good. That's good that is.'

'What are you-' She began to question again.

Cal closed the gap between them before she could utter another word. He softly pushed her further against the wall with her back and kissed her. _In the sweetest way he could, in the sweetest way he ever had._ He poured all of his love and feeling for her in that one kiss. He licked her lips, teased, pressed his chest against her breasts, reveled in the soft feel of her, in the warmth of her mouth, the shocked sound in the back of her throat, her mouth that opened slightly, his tongue touching hers and licking her lips again as he let go of her.

She stood there, frozen, with big eyes. Astonished, surprised.

'Sweet enough for you?' He asked sotfly as he tried to read her. He loved that he saw how dark her eyes had become. 'You'd asked me to kiss you remember? So, see you in a while yeah?' He said as he turned around and hurried up the stairs.

She heard him turn on the shower when she could breathe again. She put her hand against the wall to steady herself as she inhaled quickly. She felt dizzy from his kiss. She didn't remember _**–ever-**_ being kissed like that before. All sorts of feelings ran through her. She could feel the heat radiating from her cheeks. Her heart pounding in her ears from arousal. Her lips felt swollen, intensely sensitive and warm. The tingling sensation of his lips still on hers, in her mouth. She put her hand against her mouth to try and hold on to that feeling as long as possible.

Not toooo fluffy I hope. But ahh well... They do deserve some fluffiness right? Especially after all the fighting I put them trough? I'll try to update soon this time and to actually FINISH the story :) xxx


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